U.S. News

Unemployed Celebrate Labor Day with Yet Another Awesome Day Off

2011-09-05T04:15:52Z

Unemployed Americans all across the country are celebrating this Monday with another day of not having to go into fucking work.

Barbequing with family and friends, unemployed carpenter Tom Hooper said that everyday was Labor Day for him. Out of work for the past year, the construction worker said that he hasn’t been able to find a steady job in his field anywhere.

“Fortunately, no one’s building any new houses right now. I get a few odd jobs here and there, mostly fixer up projects, but nothing regular thank God”, said Hooper. “I could get a job at Wal-Mart maybe, but the pay would be even less than what I get on unemployment so really what’s the point”, he added.

Many of Tom’s friends, who are also out of work, agreed that although Labor Day was just another day of making no fucking money, they did admit that the extra time off was kind of nice.

“I used to look forward to having a 3 day weekend”, said Dale Fitzsimmons, an unemployed city planning manager. “But with state budget cuts basically rendering my job obsolete, I can now look forward to 7 day weekends, which is kinda’ cool”, he continued.

Recent statistics reveal that the nation’s average unemployment rate is hovering around 9.1%, and threatening to rise if political leaders don’t find a solution. Of course, these rates don’t include those who’ve run out of benefits, given up on finding a job, or just plain died of poverty. But for many, the extra time off has proven to have unexpected advantages, like no longer needing to pay attention to the clock.

“Is it Labor Day already?”, asked Sue Engels, an unemployed school teacher who’s been out of work so long she said doesn’t even remember what day it is anymore. “Wow, I used to be so focused on the school calendar, now I lose track constantly. I guess that’s a good thing. I should celebrate by cooking some hot dogs or something. You wouldn’t by chance having any extra money for buns would you?”, she continued.

However, for many of those still sadly employed, hearing that the unemployed are on some sort of extended sabbatical without a care in the world only exacerbates their feelings of jealousy. “I wish I didn’t have to go back to some soulless cubicle that minute by agonizing minute sucks the lifeblood out of my very existence”, said Jake Underwood, a customer service rep. in Arizona, who prays daily that his employer would just lay him off so he can collect unemployment too.

But he says he works in the insurance industry, so unfortunately that’s not going to happen anytime soon. He also reminded us that he doesn’t get the workers holiday off either.

Indeed, many of those in the fast food, service, and retail industries are angry that anyone’s celebrating anything at all. No rest and relaxation for these poor bastards.

“Labor Day? What the hell’s Labor Day?”, said Jared Thomas, who works the evening shift at the local McDonalds. “Seriously, if these people are sick of being on vacation, then they should just come work here. We’re always hiring.”

So, as a few lucky Americans actually get a paid holiday to commemorate the economic and social contributions of the nation’s labor force with charcoal and meat-like products, for many it’s just another awesome day of no and/or low fucking wages.

Happy Labor Day.

Aunt Irene Almost as Dangerous as Hurricane Irene

2011-08-30T05:38:38Z

Aunt Irene Category 5 bad driver.LOS ANGELES, CA – An elderly driver identified as Irene Minner, 85 from Pasadena, lost control of her car and knocked over a fire hydrant before barreling into a group of churchgoers today, injuring at least 30.

The accident happened at approximately 12:15pm, as people were congregating outside the Calvary Assembly of Christ’s Ascension.

According to eyewitnesses, the driver suddenly veered off the road, and then slowly rolled toward a large group of people dressed in their Sunday best, as water from the gushing hydrant flooded the area. The vehicle eventually came to a stop on its own in a field next to the church.

“I thought someone just pushed the car to be honest with you”, said one eyewitness. It was movin’ in slow motion, and you couldn’t see anyone drivin’. It was like a ghost or somethin’. Spooky.”

Another horrified witness described how the seemingly normal day was shattered by the screams of a panicked crowd. “I was talking with my friends, then alluva’ sudden everyone was screaming and pushing, and then this giant car comes right at me. I barely got out of the way”, she said still breathing heavily.

Police say Ms. Minner was traveling between 10 - 15 miles per hour when she suddenly swerved her Dodge Polara, smacking into a fire hydrant, and then steered into the crowd of people. It wasn’t a fast rate of speed, but it was still dangerous, say authorities.

Fortunately, no one was killed, although at least 28 people sustained minor injuries, with 2 suffering broken bones from being trampled while attempting to get out of harms way. Everyone got soaking wet.

Investigators are still trying to determine how Ms. Minner was able to gain access to her vehicle, as she has a suspended license. Her nephew Josh Minner said she probably hid a spare set of keys from her caregivers.

“Aunt Irene was always very independent-minded, so it doesn’t surprise me she would do something like this”, he said. “The problem is she’s only 4’11, and she never could see over the steering wheel of that thing anyway”, he continued.

Residents from the community were shocked by the news, and wondered about the odd coincidence of a Hurricane also named Irene barreling slowly along the East Coast leaving a similar path of destruction.

“It’s really weird how a little old lady can almost kill as many people as the ‘storm of the century’, but I guess stranger things have happened”, one resident observed.

Irene Minner was booked for driving without a license, bodily injury, destruction of property, and generally wasting everyone’s time for causing unnecessary panic.

Gay Man Opens Reparative Therapy Clinic for Heterosexuals

2011-08-13T21:58:56Z

NEW YORK – Lost amid all the media reports and controversy over Michele and Marcus Bachmann’s Christian counseling clinics using “reparative therapy” to heal gays of their homosexuality, is a story about a prominent New York gay-rights advocate who has opened a similar, yet alternative clinic to heal straights of their heterosexuality.

Steven A. Null, a former heterosexual and psychologist, who authored the best-selling series, Healing the Hetero and Date the Straight Away, officially launched his Over the Rainbow (OTHER) treatment center a day after New York’s historic bill legalizing same-sex marriage.

“It’s something I’ve been working on for a while, but I wasn’t sure it would gain acceptance. The passage of the marriage bill definitely gave me the confidence to go ahead with it. The timing seemed perfect. Now that gays and lesbians can legally marry, heterosexuals can choose to be gay and still enjoy the same rights afforded to them as straights”, he said.

Indeed, recent polls show that a number of heterosexuals secretly want to be homosexual, but have been reluctant to do so due to the social stigma of being considered a second-class citizen. Legitimizing same-sex marriage has not only removed a legal hurdle but, more importantly, a psychological barrier that prevented many straight people from going gay.

Reparative therapy, or conversion therapy as it’s sometimes referred to, has long been the subject of intense controversy in the United States. Both the American Psychiatric Association and the American Psychological Association have seriously called into question the motives and techniques of using such therapies to change a person’s sexual orientation.

Once considered acceptable by psychoanalytic theory, the idea that sexual orientation is a choice is no longer in vogue with the mental health establishment today. In fact, several mainstream organizations and experts have been outspoken about their concerns that such therapies are not only outdated, but could potentially be harmful, as it treats homosexuality as a mental disorder, instead of a normal variation in biological development.

However, many Christian conservative groups disagree and, in fact, tout the use of prayer and peer pressure as being successful in helping homosexuals overcome their affliction. And it’s not just religious organizations endorsing such treatments. The National Association for Research & Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH), offers their own secular version of conversion therapy to overcome what they call, “unwanted sexual attraction to the same sex.”

In a queer way, they now have an ally in Mr. Null, who admittedly borrows NARTH’s mission statement, but simply replaces the word ‘same’ with ‘opposite’. As Null explains, “Look, if the debate has always been whether or not sexual orientation is a choice, then logic would dictate that you could choose either way, right? Well, we take the next step and offer those who have unwanted attraction to the opposite sex a place to finally be that gay person they’ve always wanted to be.”

Of course, converting to the gay lifestyle is something Null has experienced himself. “I grew up in the 70’s and 80’s as straight man, so I know what’s it’s like. The infatuation with Farrah Fawcett, Rambo, playing sports, being popular and fitting in, you know, all that stuff. I had lots of girlfriends, but I always felt something was missing. I studied the history of psychology, and I started thinking about whether or not the same therapies that were successful for gays could potentially apply to straights as well. So, I experimented on myself and, eventually through trial and error, found a system that worked”, he said in a statement.

According to the clinic’s brochure, that system includes the same aversive treatments previously used on homosexuals, albeit with a limp-wristed twist. Electric shock therapy to the genitals, nausea-inducing drugs administered simultaneously with the presentation of hetero-erotic stimuli, masturbatory reconditioning, and subliminal messaging to recondition the brain to love Judy Garland, Lady Gaga, and Broadway musicals. There are also ongoing classes on grooming and fashion tips for the men, and masculinity training for the women, along with estrogen and testosterone supplementation.

If all this sounds eerily reminiscent of a scene out of Clockwork Orange, the clinic’s supporters say not to worry and point out that these types of treatments were used on homosexuals for decades with great success and few long-term side effects. They argue that what’s good for the homo-goose, is good for the hetero-gander, so to speak. To bolster their claims, proponents offer several testimonials from current patients that attest to the efficacy of the treatments.

Jay D., of Queens, NY offered his glowing assessment after going through therapy this past June. “For me, living a life as a heterosexual male just wasn’t fulfilling. To be honest, I was tired of being accepted by mainstream society. So, I took a chance and went through the program. And it worked like a charm. I finally stopped lusting after Angelina Jolie, and started fantasizing about Brad Pitt, something I’ve always really wanted. And I couldn’t be happier”, he said.

Richard T., who traveled all the way from Culver City, CA concurred, adding that, “I was so sick and tired of watching shows on ESPN, The History Channel, and Spike TV, that I was really at my wits end. A friend of mine told me about OTHER, and so I decided to give it a try. Finally, I can enjoy Bravo, the E! Channel, and Keeping Up with the Kardashians without salivating over Kim’s body. Now I focus on her fashion sense instead.”

Almira G. from Topeka, KS spoke about how conversion therapy helped her to finally explore her inner lesbian. “I had experimented in the past, but it wasn’t until I enrolled at the clinic that I knew I could make the commitment to being with femmes only”, she confided.

For Null and his associates, testimonials like these are what motivates them to keep going, despite their growing chorus of critics. “Look, I understand not everyone agrees with our methods. But, there are a lot of heterosexuals out there suffering. I want them to know they’re not alone. There are people who can help. Never forget that being straight is a choice, and if you’re committed to living the gay life, you can be free from heterosexuality forever. And remember, there’s no place like homo.”

NO HETERO

For more information you can visit them online, or to set up an interview, call (800) 555-5428.

Owling Fad a Hit at Bohemian Grove

2011-07-24T04:38:13Z

Owling at the Grove, July 2011.MONTE RIO, CA - Taking a break from all the festivities, former Vice President Dick Cheney, Henry Kissinger, and Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich have a little fun 'owling' in front of the camp's mascot which, coincidentally, is a forty-foot stone owl.

Asked if they tried "planking", all three said they couldn't do that one, as they had a bad back, and may not be able to get back up.

Nancy Grace Ordered to Stay Away from Casey Anthony

2011-07-15T12:22:11Z

Grace under pressure.ORLANDO, FL – Fearful that Nancy Grace and her minions will attack her once she’s released from jail on Sunday (see Tot Mom Walks Free Countdown), Casey Anthony has taken preemptive safety measures, and filed a restraining order against Grace, HLN, and the millions of people who are calling for her head on a platter, asking the court for immediate protection.

The injunction, which was filed Friday morning on behalf of Ms. Anthony by her attorney Jose Baez, stipulates that Ms. Grace, and anyone else who hates her guts, must stay at least 500 ft. away, and refrain from any type of physical and/or verbal contact. The order also specifies that all contact, including mail, the delivery of poisonous flowers, phone, fax, e-mail, or any other type of electronic communication, be prohibited as well. That means, no interviews.

Mr. Baez said he issued the restraining order after it became apparent that Ms. Grace and her viewers were not going to leave his client alone. Not now. Not ever. “The obsessive coverage of this trial, and all the death threats and craziness that have resulted directly from this obsession, has prompted me to take action and seek immediate relief”, Mr. Baez was quoted as saying. “Hopefully, this will prevent anyone who’s thinking of attacking my client, to think twice before doing anything they’ll later regret”, he added.

Mr. Baez has also asked that the order be enforceable across statelines, in case his client decides to move to Hollywood to try and capitalize on her infamy.

Calls for comment to Nancy Grace’s office, HLN, CNN, and FOX News have all been answered with still more continuous and incessant round-the-clock coverage.

Casey Anthony Jurors Ask Judge if They Can ‘Take it Back’

2011-07-10T00:09:16Z

After the verdict, jurors reportedly left the courtroom to go vomit.ORLANDO, FL – In yet another shocking twist for a case that has gripped the nation, the 12 jurors who voted to acquit Casey Anthony of all murder charges in the death of her daughter Caylee, appear to be more than just “sick to their stomachs”, and have sent a formal request in writing to Judge Belvin Perry asking whether or not it’s too late to “take it back.”

According to sources within the Orange County Courthouse, the petition purportedly states that they (the jurors) admit to not spending enough time during deliberations to really review all the evidence and, now that they’ve finally had a few days to think it over carefully, would like to rescind their votes of “not guilty”.

It is not known whether or not the request to rescind involves all charges against Ms. Anthony, or just the first degree murder charge, but experts who have been following the trial and its aftermath closely, say that it is likely the jurors want to vote “guilty” on the manslaughter charge only. Since most of the evidence, although compelling, is still circumstantial, it is doubtful their change of heart includes sending Ms. Anthony to death row.

The experts do point out, however, that they’re not surprised at all by move, as it is obvious that even if Ms. Anthony didn’t plan to murder her daughter, not contacting authorities until 31 days after she allegedly went missing would certainly point to aggravated child abuse at best and, the fact that she lied to investigators over and over again certainly implies some form of guilt even if the death was accidental as her defense claims. Otherwise, why try to cover it up.

Luckily, the state of Florida does have a seven-day grace period after rendering a verdict in capital cases should juries suddenly decide to change their minds. However, the law also stipulates that it is up to the judge’s discretion to approve it, and it remains to be seen whether or not Judge Perry will grant their request.

Several of the jurors, many of whom have yet to reveal their identities to the media, spoke on condition of anonymity, stated that they regretted acquitting Ms. Anthony of all charges, and now believe it is beyond all reasonable doubt that she was somehow involved in her daughter’s death.

One juror was quoted as saying, “I can’t sleep. Nothing works. Not even sleeping pills. I even thought about using chloroform, and then it suddenly hit me. Oh my God, she’s not innocent. I just can’t live with myself knowing that I’ve played a part in letting that bitch go free.”

Another juror seconded those thoughts and added, “we’ve all been racked with guilt since the verdict, and I pray there’s still time to do the right thing and send her back to prison. I don’t know what we were thinking. Maybe we just weren’t paying attention.”

The defense team issued a statement condemning the jury’s request, saying in part that, “they, the jury, should have thought about the ramifications of their verdict ahead of time. If they didn’t think she was innocent, then they should have said so in the courtroom, not after realizing that most of the country thinks they’re crazy.”

Prosecutor Jeffrey Ashton said he was gratified, but not surprised by the request, as he’s seen several juries change their minds over the years. “It’s quite common actually, especially in capital murder cases like this. Jurors often get confused with what reasonable doubt means, and simply fail to use common sense”, he said.

Due to the high profile nature of the case, and that fact that those who’ve been following the trial think that this was a grave injustice on the level of O.J. Simpson, it’s very likely Judge Perry will honor the request before it expires next week.

Calls to Judge Perry’s office for comment have so far gone unanswered.

Parrot Graduates Top of His Class

2011-06-19T01:15:49Z

No Parrot Left BehindSACRAMENTO, CA – On Friday, people from all over the community flocked to see the top ranked student at La Cacatudae High School in Aves, CA add another feather to his cap by delivering the ceremony's commencement speech. For the valedictorian of this year’s graduating class wasn’t the most ambitious kid with the highest GPA, but a very talented and popular parrot named Bud. And yes, he did more than just wing it.

Bud, an outgoing and friendly blue and yellow Macaw, managed to claw his way to the top of the pecking order not only with a perfect GPA, but outstanding citizenship, and an exemplary record of community service helping to entertain children with special needs. And although there were a few students who had higher overall grade point averages, no one displayed as much school spirit or unflappable determination. So, you could say Bud beat the competition by a nose, or as they say in the aviary, by the beak.

Principal Monica Edwards praised the vividly colored bird for raising the bar and setting an example for other students to follow. “Bud was a model student during the fours years he was with us, and his achievements should be an inspiration to all students who want to excel in school”, she said. However, she did admit, “though it certainly didn’t hurt that his plumage matched our school colors.”

Teachers at La Cacatudae concurred that Bud was a very apt pupil, who always stood up straight on his perch, listened attentively, and only occasionally interrupted the lesson to clean himself.

“Bud was by far the best student I’ve ever had”, said Ms. Anne Colby, who teaches 12^th grade English. “He never argued, or made excuses, and he could repeat everything I taught him verbatim. He was what teachers dream about when imagining the perfect student, and all I had to do was periodically feed him grapes and walnuts”, she continued.

Dr. William Harbaugh, superintendent of schools, pointed out that Bud also scored very well on standardized tests, with the help of his human assistant to shade in the bubbles of course. “Bud proved that standards-based education reform, and its emphasis on rote memorization, works in raising test scores and academic achievement”, Dr. Harbaugh said in a statement.

In other words, good parroting works.

So, how did this psittacine from South America come to be the new poster boy for No Child Left Behind? His owner, Robert White, says that after finding him in a pet store several years ago, he brought him home, and he immediately bonded with his son Zach, who was by then getting ready to attend high school as a freshman. “Initially, the idea was for Zach to take him to school during show and tell, but everyone loved him so much, he quickly became a kind of mascot. The rest, as they say, is history”, he said.

Asked if he was jealous that a pet got better grades in school, Zach admitted that it was kind of weird, but ultimately not surprising. “Bud was always better than me at doing what he was told. I’ve always been kind of rebellious with an independent streak. Bud’s not like that. He’ll say anything you want if you dangle a carrot in front of him. But, you know, it’s cool. He worked hard and deserves it”, Zach stated as he congratulated Bud with a bowl of mixed nuts. “Although, sometimes I tease him and call him a bird brain, but he hates that”, he added giving us a demonstration.

Future plans for Bud include attending university in the fall on scholarship. “He’ll make a great academic someday”, Mr. White observed. “He’s a natural at just regurgitating what others have said. Come to think of it, he’d also make a great broadcast journalist”, he mused.

But first, Bud gets to travel back to his home country of Brazil as a graduation gift. “We’ll give him a chance to sow his wild oats”, Mr. White added. “Hopefully, he won’t get into too much trouble with the female Macaws down there. I hear they’re quite beautiful… or, so a little bird told me”, he continued.

Osama bin Laden Killed by U.S. Forces

2011-05-02T06:06:37Z

Reapers demand to see long-form death certificate.

Hooray for Me, Fuck You! Filthy Rich Protest for More Wealth

2011-03-21T04:12:54Z

Eyes Wide Shut Up and Blow Me! (Editors note: Apologies to Billionaires for Bush)NEW YORK - Jumping on the protest bandwagon, which began with a carefully orchestrated campaign of coddled working and middle class protesters in Wisconsin and elsewhere fighting to retain their grossly overpaid wages and awesome HMO benefits, the wealthy minority of America’s oppressed upper class are staging a counter protest to keep their inheritances and legally stolen wealth, plus interest.

Fearful that the staunchly anti-capitalist government of the United States might cave in to the demands of the proletariat to make them pay more of their fair share, and thereby reduce their wealth from having absolutely everything to having almost absolutely everything, the country’s unfortunate fortunate ones have taken to the streets of Manhattan to make their silvery-spooned voices heard.

Chanting slogans like, “This is what plutocracy looks like”, and singing the Stones anthem "Sympathy for the Devil", the designer clad one-percenters, all heavily guarded by public safety officers and private security detail, marched on Wall Street today holding what they call, A Rally for the Filthy Rich.

Their biggest gripe seems to stem from the news that Obama might follow in the footsteps of the socialist Eisenhower administration, and actually raise the tax rate on the wealthy, making it more inconvenient and costly for them to hide all their rightfully earned ill-gotten gains.

“Creative accounting costs a lot of goddamned money”, complained one protester wearing $400,000 D&G Elite sunglasses and feigning anonymity for fear of public hanging. “This will force me, and all my uber-rich friends, to hire even more corrupt accountants to create tax shelters and offshore shell companies to hide our obscene wealth. Though it’s all still a write-off in the end, it’s really unfair”, he continued.

Also at issue is the perception that the super wealthy are nothing a but a bunch of greedy, power-mad parasites, hell bent on sucking the world’s poor and middle classes dry by stealing their wealth for their own personal gain and amusement. “Nothing could be further from the truth”, said several anonymous (but we know who they are) banksters who received a paltry $700 billion in tax-payer bailout money.* “The reality is far worse than that. Don’t sugarcoat it for the useless eaters”, they added.

All of the protesters, many of whom also feigned anonymity for fear of public beheading or disembowelment, lamented the fact that their extreme wealth no longer conjured up a positive image of the American Dream, but now symbolized a widening gap between the, ‘haves and have-nots’.

“What happened to the good old days when people tuned into the Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous and thought, man, those rich and famous assholes are really cool. I want to be cool too”, a not so anonymous rich and famous asshole observed.

Some of the protesters tried to point out that, although they’re disgustingly rich, they’re not that disgustingly rich. One particularly well known douchebag appeared proud of the fact that he only owns two yachts, one private Lear jet, a private island for his own personal use, and one measly little medieval castle, among other necessary extravagant possessions. “It’s not like I own a whole bunch of these things like most people I know”, he added thinking we’d all empathize with his frugalness without having the urge to castrate him right then and there.

However, an overwhelming sense of dread plagued most of the blood diamond drenched demonstrators as they contemplated the notion of having to make any sacrifices. “Where I am I going to keep all of my luxury items if I have to give up some of my homes and estates”, stated a nervous, aging heiress who’s plastic surgeries are starting to make her look like an escapee from the musical Cats. “I mean, seriously, where is it all going to go”, her panic increasing as the thought of only owning a few million dollar Maybach Landaulets instead of several slowly started to sink in.

Other protestors terrorized by the same scenario quickly descended upon the frantic feline-in-the-making to provide pampering, spa packages, and other promotional swag. There is a strong feeling of camaraderie and sense of purpose that permeates this tiny, keeping-up-with-the-robber barons crowd, that apparently transcends their desire to devour each others’ children.

Informally calling themselves, ‘The Forbesians’, after Forbes Magazine natch, many have even made the yearly top 400 list, while some still aspire to be on it, missing it by only a billion and some change. Still, there’s a common bond that unites them all, the fact that each has more wealth than 99% of everyone else on the planet. And this seemed to be the overall theme of the day, that what they lacked in proverbial asses, they more than made up in assets.

According to several envious economists, the top 1% own as much or more than the rest of us combined, which is why, say the rich, everyone wants to take away their wealth. “They obviously want a bigger piece of our pie”, said an organizer who asked that we not print his name (you know who he is) for fear of being flayed and/or burned alive. “The poor should just be grateful for the crumbs we provide, as we could easily deny them even that", he added.

There’s also a powerful belief among the protesters that if they give up any of their wealth, they give away all of it. Even contemplating the notion is a slippery slope to more economic equality, and that’s something that truly terrifies them.

To counteract this growing unease, the organizers, with the help of their paid pundits in the media, have launched a propaganda campaign to convince the poor that if they just work hard, do the right thing, and be a good person (like them), they too might be invited into the elite club. “It is imperative and vital that we continue the Horatio Alger-like myth that we all made it to where we are by pulling ourselves up by our own bootstraps”, several trust fund babies noted. “Let’s face it, if the masses really knew the truth of how we attained this much wealth, we’d all be in deep shit.”

As an example of what they mean, the protesters pointed out another popular technique they regularly employ to keep the barbarians at the gate: donations and charity. By setting up a charitable foundation, they can give the appearance of philanthropy and altruism, but in reality just serves as a tax-saving strategy that earns them even more wealth. As an added bonus, they get to throw lavish fundraising parties, pat themselves on the back, and see their names on things.

Unfortunately, just as soon as the rally seemed to be gaining momentum, the protesters had to quickly disband. Due to all the fawning paparazzi and fanfare that accompanied their red-carpeted gathering, some of the barbarians began taking notice, and started surrounding the rich bastards with chants of, “off with their heads!”

Fortunately, the organizers planned for just this kind of violent reaction, by having several bullet-proof limousines and helicopters fueled up and ready to whisk them away back to their gated mansions and private island getaways.

On their way out, however, several of the protesters were overheard promising that, “We will not rest until all of the world’s wealth is ours.” Will they succeed in their efforts? As one expert we asked noted, “The rich will keep getting richer. They're too big and famous to fail."

The Acutely Toxic Ann Coulter Says 'Radiation Good For You'

2011-03-19T07:14:58Z

Proving why no one in their right mind would want to touch her with a 10 foot pole.