Unemployed Celebrate Labor Day with Yet Another Awesome Day Off

Unemployed Americans all across the country are celebrating this Monday with another day of not having to go into fucking work.

Barbequing with family and friends, unemployed carpenter Tom Hooper said that everyday was Labor Day for him.  Out of work for the past year, the construction worker said that he hasn’t been able to find a steady job in his field anywhere.

“Fortunately, no one’s building any new houses right now.  I get a few odd jobs here and there, mostly fixer up projects, but nothing regular thank God”, said Hooper.  “I could get a job at Wal-Mart maybe, but the pay would be even less than what I get on unemployment so really what’s the point”, he added.

Many of Tom’s friends, who are also out of work, agreed that although Labor Day was just another day of making no fucking money, they did admit that the extra time off was kind of nice.   

“I used to look forward to having a 3 day weekend”, said Dale Fitzsimmons, an unemployed city planning manager.  “But with state budget cuts basically rendering my job obsolete, I can now look forward to 7 day weekends, which is kinda’ cool”, he continued.

Recent statistics reveal that the nation’s average unemployment rate is hovering around 9.1%, and threatening to rise if political leaders don’t find a solution.  Of course, these rates don’t include those who’ve run out of benefits, given up on finding a job, or just plain died of poverty.  But for many, the extra time off has proven to have unexpected advantages, like no longer needing to pay attention to the clock. 

“Is it Labor Day already?”, asked Sue Engels, an unemployed school teacher who’s been out of work so long she said doesn’t even remember what day it is anymore. “Wow, I used to be so focused on the school calendar, now I lose track constantly.  I guess that’s a good thing.  I should celebrate by cooking some hot dogs or something.  You wouldn’t by chance having any extra money for buns would you?”, she continued.

However, for many of those still sadly employed, hearing that the unemployed are on some sort of extended sabbatical without a care in the world only exacerbates their feelings of jealousy.  “I wish I didn’t have to go back to some soulless cubicle that minute by agonizing minute sucks the lifeblood out of my very existence”, said Jake Underwood, a customer service rep. in Arizona, who prays daily that his employer would just lay him off so he can collect unemployment too.

But he says he works in the insurance industry, so unfortunately that’s not going to happen anytime soon.  He also reminded us that he doesn’t get the workers holiday off either.

Indeed, many of those in the fast food, service, and retail industries are angry that anyone’s celebrating anything at all.  No rest and relaxation for these poor bastards.

“Labor Day?  What the hell’s Labor Day?”, said Jared Thomas, who works the evening shift at the local McDonalds.  “Seriously, if these people are sick of being on vacation, then they should just come work here.  We’re always hiring.”

So, as a few lucky Americans actually get a paid holiday to commemorate the economic and social contributions of the nation’s labor force with charcoal and meat-like products, for many it’s just another awesome day of no and/or low fucking wages.

Happy Labor Day.