Unemployed Celebrate Labor Day with Yet Another Awesome Day Off

Unemployed Americans all across the country are celebrating this Monday with another day of not having to go into fucking work.

Barbequing with family and friends, unemployed carpenter Tom Hooper said that everyday was Labor Day for him.  Out of work for the past year, the construction worker said that he hasn’t been able to find a steady job in his field anywhere.

“Fortunately, no one’s building any new houses right now.  I get a few odd jobs here and there, mostly fixer up projects, but nothing regular thank God”, said Hooper.  “I could get a job at Wal-Mart maybe, but the pay would be even less than what I get on unemployment so really what’s the point”, he added.

Many of Tom’s friends, who are also out of work, agreed that although Labor Day was just another day of making no fucking money, they did admit that the extra time off was kind of nice.   

“I used to look forward to having a 3 day weekend”, said Dale Fitzsimmons, an unemployed city planning manager.  “But with state budget cuts basically rendering my job obsolete, I can now look forward to 7 day weekends, which is kinda’ cool”, he continued.

Recent statistics reveal that the nation’s average unemployment rate is hovering around 9.1%, and threatening to rise if political leaders don’t find a solution.  Of course, these rates don’t include those who’ve run out of benefits, given up on finding a job, or just plain died of poverty.  But for many, the extra time off has proven to have unexpected advantages, like no longer needing to pay attention to the clock. 

“Is it Labor Day already?”, asked Sue Engels, an unemployed school teacher who’s been out of work so long she said doesn’t even remember what day it is anymore. “Wow, I used to be so focused on the school calendar, now I lose track constantly.  I guess that’s a good thing.  I should celebrate by cooking some hot dogs or something.  You wouldn’t by chance having any extra money for buns would you?”, she continued.

However, for many of those still sadly employed, hearing that the unemployed are on some sort of extended sabbatical without a care in the world only exacerbates their feelings of jealousy.  “I wish I didn’t have to go back to some soulless cubicle that minute by agonizing minute sucks the lifeblood out of my very existence”, said Jake Underwood, a customer service rep. in Arizona, who prays daily that his employer would just lay him off so he can collect unemployment too.

But he says he works in the insurance industry, so unfortunately that’s not going to happen anytime soon.  He also reminded us that he doesn’t get the workers holiday off either.

Indeed, many of those in the fast food, service, and retail industries are angry that anyone’s celebrating anything at all.  No rest and relaxation for these poor bastards.

“Labor Day?  What the hell’s Labor Day?”, said Jared Thomas, who works the evening shift at the local McDonalds.  “Seriously, if these people are sick of being on vacation, then they should just come work here.  We’re always hiring.”

So, as a few lucky Americans actually get a paid holiday to commemorate the economic and social contributions of the nation’s labor force with charcoal and meat-like products, for many it’s just another awesome day of no and/or low fucking wages.

Happy Labor Day.

Aunt Irene Almost as Dangerous as Hurricane Irene

Aunt Irene Category 5 bad driver.LOS ANGELES, CA – An elderly driver identified as Irene Minner, 85 from Pasadena, lost control of her car and knocked over a fire hydrant before barreling into a group of churchgoers today, injuring at least 30.

The accident happened at approximately 12:15pm, as people were congregating outside the Calvary Assembly of Christ’s Ascension. 

According to eyewitnesses, the driver suddenly veered off the road, and then slowly rolled toward a large group of people dressed in their Sunday best, as water from the gushing hydrant flooded the area.  The vehicle eventually came to a stop on its own in a field next to the church.

“I thought someone just pushed the car to be honest with you”, said one eyewitness.  It was movin’ in slow motion, and you couldn’t see anyone drivin’.  It was like a ghost or somethin’.  Spooky.”

Another horrified witness described how the seemingly normal day was shattered by the screams of a panicked crowd.  “I was talking with my friends, then alluva’ sudden everyone was screaming and pushing, and then this giant car comes right at me.  I barely got out of the way”, she said still breathing heavily. 

Police say Ms. Minner was traveling between 10 - 15 miles per hour when she suddenly swerved her Dodge Polara, smacking into a fire hydrant, and then steered into the crowd of people.  It wasn’t a fast rate of speed, but it was still dangerous, say authorities.

Fortunately, no one was killed, although at least 28 people sustained minor injuries, with 2 suffering broken bones from being trampled while attempting to get out of harms way.  Everyone got soaking wet.

Investigators are still trying to determine how Ms. Minner was able to gain access to her vehicle, as she has a suspended license.  Her nephew Josh Minner said she probably hid a spare set of keys from her caregivers.

“Aunt Irene was always very independent-minded, so it doesn’t surprise me she would do something like this”, he said.  “The problem is she’s only 4’11, and she never could see over the steering wheel of that thing anyway”, he continued.

Residents from the community were shocked by the news, and wondered about the odd coincidence of a Hurricane also named Irene barreling slowly along the East Coast leaving a similar path of destruction. 

“It’s really weird how a little old lady can almost kill as many people as the ‘storm of the century’, but I guess stranger things have happened”, one resident observed. 

Irene Minner was booked for driving without a license, bodily injury, destruction of property, and generally wasting everyone’s time for causing unnecessary panic. 

Gay Man Opens Reparative Therapy Clinic for Heterosexuals

NEW YORK – Lost amid all the media reports and controversy over Michele and Marcus Bachmann’s Christian counseling clinics using “reparative therapy” to heal gays of their homosexuality, is a story about a prominent New York gay-rights advocate who has opened a similar, yet alternative clinic to heal straights of their heterosexuality.

Steven A. Null, a former heterosexual and psychologist, who authored the best-selling series, Healing the Hetero and Date the Straight Away, officially launched his Over the Rainbow (OTHER) treatment center a day after New York’s historic bill legalizing same-sex marriage. 

“It’s something I’ve been working on for a while, but I wasn’t sure it would gain acceptance.  The passage of the marriage bill definitely gave me the confidence to go ahead with it.  The timing seemed perfect.  Now that gays and lesbians can legally marry, heterosexuals can choose to be gay and still enjoy the same rights afforded to them as straights”, he said.

Indeed, recent polls show that a number of heterosexuals secretly want to be homosexual, but have been reluctant to do so due to the social stigma of being considered a second-class citizen.  Legitimizing same-sex marriage has not only removed a legal hurdle but, more importantly, a psychological barrier that prevented many straight people from going gay.

Reparative therapy, or conversion therapy as it’s sometimes referred to, has long been the subject of intense controversy in the United States.  Both the American Psychiatric Association and the American Psychological Association have seriously called into question the motives and techniques of using such therapies to change a person’s sexual orientation. 

Once considered acceptable by psychoanalytic theory, the idea that sexual orientation is a choice is no longer in vogue with the mental health establishment today.  In fact, several mainstream organizations and experts have been outspoken about their concerns that such therapies are not only outdated, but could potentially be harmful, as it treats homosexuality as a mental disorder, instead of a normal variation in biological development.

However, many Christian conservative groups disagree and, in fact, tout the use of prayer and peer pressure as being successful in helping homosexuals overcome their affliction.  And it’s not just religious organizations endorsing such treatments.  The National Association for Research & Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH), offers their own secular version of conversion therapy to overcome what they call, “unwanted sexual attraction to the same sex.”

In a queer way, they now have an ally in Mr. Null, who admittedly borrows NARTH’s mission statement, but simply replaces the word ‘same’ with ‘opposite’.  As Null explains, “Look, if the debate has always been whether or not sexual orientation is a choice, then logic would dictate that you could choose either way, right?  Well, we take the next step and offer those who have unwanted attraction to the opposite sex a place to finally be that gay person they’ve always wanted to be.”

Of course, converting to the gay lifestyle is something Null has experienced himself.  “I grew up in the 70’s and 80’s as straight man, so I know what’s it’s like.  The infatuation with Farrah Fawcett, Rambo, playing sports, being popular and fitting in, you know, all that stuff.  I had lots of girlfriends, but I always felt something was missing.  I studied the history of psychology, and I started thinking about whether or not the same therapies that were successful for gays could potentially apply to straights as well.  So, I experimented on myself and, eventually through trial and error, found a system that worked”, he said in a statement.

According to the clinic’s brochure, that system includes the same aversive treatments previously used on homosexuals, albeit with a limp-wristed twist.  Electric shock therapy to the genitals, nausea-inducing drugs administered simultaneously with the presentation of hetero-erotic stimuli, masturbatory reconditioning, and subliminal messaging to recondition the brain to love Judy Garland, Lady Gaga, and Broadway musicals.  There are also ongoing classes on grooming and fashion tips for the men, and masculinity training for the women, along with estrogen and testosterone supplementation.

If all this sounds eerily reminiscent of a scene out of Clockwork Orange, the clinic’s supporters say not to worry and point out that these types of treatments were used on homosexuals for decades with great success and few long-term side effects.  They argue that what’s good for the homo-goose, is good for the hetero-gander, so to speak.  To bolster their claims, proponents offer several testimonials from current patients that attest to the efficacy of the treatments.

Jay D., of Queens, NY offered his glowing assessment after going through therapy this past June.  “For me, living a life as a heterosexual male just wasn’t fulfilling.  To be honest, I was tired of being accepted by mainstream society.  So, I took a chance and went through the program.  And it worked like a charm.  I finally stopped lusting after Angelina Jolie, and started fantasizing about Brad Pitt, something I’ve always really wanted.  And I couldn’t be happier”, he said.

Richard T., who traveled all the way from Culver City, CA concurred, adding that, “I was so sick and tired of watching shows on ESPN, The History Channel, and Spike TV, that I was really at my wits end.  A friend of mine told me about OTHER, and so I decided to give it a try.  Finally, I can enjoy Bravo, the E! Channel, and Keeping Up with the Kardashians without salivating over Kim’s body.  Now I focus on her fashion sense instead.”

Almira G. from Topeka, KS spoke about how conversion therapy helped her to finally explore her inner lesbian.  “I had experimented in the past, but it wasn’t until I enrolled at the clinic that I knew I could make the commitment to being with femmes only”, she confided.   

For Null and his associates, testimonials like these are what motivates them to keep going, despite their growing chorus of critics.  “Look, I understand not everyone agrees with our methods.  But, there are a lot of heterosexuals out there suffering.  I want them to know they’re not alone.  There are people who can help.  Never forget that being straight is a choice, and if you’re committed to living the gay life, you can be free from heterosexuality forever.  And remember, there’s no place like homo.”

NO HETERO

For more information you can visit them online, or to set up an interview, call (800) 555-5428.

Owling Fad a Hit at Bohemian Grove

Owling at the Grove, July 2011.MONTE RIO, CA - Taking a break from all the festivities, former Vice President Dick Cheney, Henry Kissinger, and Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich have a little fun 'owling' in front of the camp's mascot which, coincidentally, is a forty-foot stone owl.

Asked if they tried "planking", all three said they couldn't do that one, as they had a bad back, and may not be able to get back up.

Nancy Grace Ordered to Stay Away from Casey Anthony

Grace under pressure.ORLANDO, FL – Fearful that Nancy Grace and her minions will attack her once she’s released from jail on Sunday (see Tot Mom Walks Free Countdown), Casey Anthony has taken preemptive safety measures, and filed a restraining order against Grace, HLN, and the millions of people who are calling for her head on a platter, asking the court for immediate protection.

The injunction, which was filed Friday morning on behalf of Ms. Anthony by her attorney Jose Baez, stipulates that Ms. Grace, and anyone else who hates her guts, must stay at least 500 ft. away, and refrain from any type of physical and/or verbal contact.  The order also specifies that all contact, including mail, the delivery of poisonous flowers, phone, fax, e-mail, or any other type of electronic communication, be prohibited as well.  That means, no interviews.

Mr. Baez said he issued the restraining order after it became apparent that Ms. Grace and her viewers were not going to leave his client alone.  Not now.  Not ever.  “The obsessive coverage of this trial, and all the death threats and craziness that have resulted directly from this obsession, has prompted me to take action and seek immediate relief”, Mr. Baez was quoted as saying.  “Hopefully, this will prevent anyone who’s thinking of attacking my client, to think twice before doing anything they’ll later regret”, he added.

Mr. Baez has also asked that the order be enforceable across statelines, in case his client decides to move to Hollywood to try and capitalize on her infamy.

Calls for comment to Nancy Grace’s office, HLN, CNN, and FOX News have all been answered with still more continuous and incessant round-the-clock coverage.