ZURICH - Leaders from several nations met privately today in Switzerland to discuss the importance of making goddamned sure the end of the world happens right on schedule for Dec. 21st, 2012.
Citing all the failed predictions over the last two millennia and, most recently, the Y2K debacle that turned into yet another disappointing non-event, the group said they were determined more than ever not to let everyone down this time.
“We cannot under any circumstances allow doomsday to fail”, an anonymous source close to the group was quoted as saying. “The people are counting on us to make sure these predictions of death and destruction manifest exactly as foretold. Otherwise, it will be perceived as another failure of leadership”, they continued.
Indeed, so many prophecies of doom have come to naught, believers are skeptical whether the mischievous overlords actually mean business, or are just jerking our chain again.
Until very recently, leaders themselves have been reticent about making any promises. However, this time, they say things are sufficiently fucked up enough to guarantee that the apocalyptic visions humans have been so eagerly awaiting will finally come to fruition.
Citing several examples as evidence of their progress, they include: the number of wars breaking out all over the planet, the financial crises spreading through the global economy, the increasing environmental disasters, all the social upheavals, terrorist threats, weapons of mass destruction, overpopulation, peak oil, disease pandemics, drought, famine, police state crackdowns, political corruption, human rights violations, conspiracies, paranoia, mental illnesses, genetically modified foods, drug use, Orwellian surveillance systems, subcutaneous microchips, bar codes, robots, artificial intelligence, the continuing cultural devolution, reality television, and the recent YouTube hit “Friday”.
They also reiterated their success in stoking the fears of outside threats like asteroids, comets, Planet X, solar flares, gamma rays, black holes, and alien invasions.
All of these portents, and many more they say, foreshadow humanity’s inevitable demise. Combine this with organized religion's decreasing influence on matters of life and death, and you have a terrified population perfectly primed for apocalyptic deliverance.
"People are in an existential crisis", another anonymous source stated. "And we're here to fill the spiritual void by blowing a bunch of shit up so everyone has something to believe in again."
Several others agreed, saying they've been working round the clock on this issue. “Look, our minions have been doing their damnedest to sow discord and confusion everywhere you look. We've been working our asses off 24/7 to fuck as much shit up as possible. If the chaos and insanity we’ve created doesn’t bring about the end of all life on this planet as we know it, then I don’t know what the hell will. So be patient. It’ll happen soon. If not, well then at least we tried goddammit", they added.
However, even with these assurances, not everyone is convinced. Barney Dummkopf of Fresno, CA, who’s been eagerly awaiting the apocalypse since 1970, reacted to the news with a mix of caution and indignation, saying he'd believe it when he sees it.
“Have they said who the antichrist is yet?", he asked in a tone filled with bitter disappointment from decades of failed prognostications. "Listen, I’ve been following this stuff forever, and to be honest, I'm startin' to lose faith that the world's actually gonna end. Hell, I sold everything I had back in May because of that idiot what's-his-name... Camping. This 2012 shit better come true, or I just don't know...", he added, his voice trailing off in a mumbling monologue of incoherent jibberish.
And Dummkopf’s certainly not alone in expressing his frustrations. People from all walks of life have apparently been looking forward to this day for a long, long, long time, all patiently waiting for someone, or something, to affirm their irrational and self-destructive belief system, and finally put them out of their fucking misery.
Unfortunately, history has shown that every attempt to manifest and/or predict the end of the world has ended in disaster (no pun intended). Not so this time around, promise the puppet master’s representatives. This time they’re going to be successful even if it kills them (pun intended).
“Look, it’s not just our reputation at stake here”, said another of the group’s participants. “The Mayans, Christians, Jews, Muslims, New Agers, UFO Contactee cults, everyone is expecting this thing to happen. I mean, we can’t let them down. It’s our job as custodians of the planet to make sure everyone’s belief in the end times doesn’t turn out to be disastrously wrong. Otherwise, we’ll all look like fools.”
So, in short (to rephrase Voltaire), even if the prophecy didn’t exist, it would still be necessary to fulfill it.
Happy Final New Year.
Editor’s Note: Should the plotters fall short yet again with their eschatological delusions of grandeur, scientists say not to worry. The sun will eventually turn into a red giant and incinerate the entire planet in 5 billion years. Now that's something you can count on.