WASHINGTON DC - A government sponsored think tank pushing for WWIII issued its detailed report today entitled, Third Time’s a Charm: The Pros and Pros of Starting Another World War, highlighting the many reasons why actually starting a third world war and destroying all civilization as we know it would be a good thing.
Among the obvious benefits cited by the WW3 Advocacy Group, such as reducing the world’s population of useless eaters, finally having the opportunity to utilize our vast (and costly) stockpile of weapons of mass destruction, diverting attention away from (while simultaneously solving) the problems of economic collapse, and generally eliminating the need for… well just about anything and getting to start all over again with a clean slate, etc., one unexpected finding quickly became its prime selling point; that is to permanently and irrevocably relegate the entire second world war to the dustbin of history.
The 33 page report cites several in-depth studies revealing people’s increasing boredom with everything WWII, specifically all the movies, documentaries, books, parades and memorials, among other things, that have been foisted on the American public since 1945. It then analyzes these findings and proceeds to persuasively argue why a third world war would mercifully erase the second world war from memory, thus helping to mitigate our nation’s suffering from what’s been called “Good War” syndrome.
“People are basically fed up with WWII”, one of the report’s authors was quoted as saying. “Oh sure, there are a few die-hard history buffs out there still collecting things and swapping memorabilia, but most people could care less about all that. The war happened a long time ago and, quite frankly, has had its day in the sun. What we uncovered was a desperate need for another world war, so that we can have new stories to tell our children around the campfire rather than continue to drone on and on about the glories of Pearl Harbor, D-Day, Iwo Jima, and blah blah blah…ad nauseum”, they continued.
Indeed, census data reveals that with veterans from the second world war currently dying at a rate of a thousand per day, few living witnesses are left to really care about it anymore. The report points out, “Now that most of the ‘old-geezers’ are gone, the empire can finally and, more importantly, without guilt, move on from WWII to begin a brand new era of worldwide conflict that, let’s face it, will make the second world war totally irrelevant.”
In other words, anyone remember or care about WWI after WWII started? Exactly.
Another of the report’s authors went on to clarify the study’s findings: “Look, let’s be honest, we all love WWII, but the stories have been told a million times already. It’s old news. I mean, seriously, do we really need another movie or, God forbid, book by some baby boomer singing the praises of the so-called ‘Greatest Generation’ to absolve their own generation’s guilt for being a bunch of whining, narcissistic crybabies? And seriously, do we really need yet another documentary or mini-series chronicling the heroics of the Allies and the horrors of the Nazis? No. So, it’s time for everyone to get over it”, he added.
And certainly, a third world war would accomplish just that.
Critics of the group’s report cite the many other wars (including current ones) that have taken place since the end of the second world war, that have also played an important role in our country’s patriotic psyche. However, the authors dismiss these claims by pointing out that 1) most of them were never officially declared wars, so technically they don’t really count, and 2) we pretty much lost all of them, so they can't be important.
What we need, say the war’s proponents, is another devastating no-holds barred global conflagration wherein we kick ass and finish what we started in Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Then we can finally, after all these years, hold our heads up high and truly say once again, “We’re #1!”
That, say the authors, is the only way we’ll ever get over our stubborn romanticization of the past and move on to what surely promises to be a much brighter future.
As for any cons to the idea of starting WWIII, the report pays scant attention, however in a minor footnote, the authors do admit the potential of rendering the planet inhospitable to any human, plant or animal life for possibly centuries to come, but that this fact in no way, outweighs, in any way, the pros of permanently removing WWII from our collective consciousness.
In related news, videogame makers of WW4: Sticks and Stones, announced the projected release date of their highly-anticipated post-apocalypse themed SPORPG (Sparsely Populated Offline Role-Playing Game) for January 2013.