Pentagon Considering Draft to Reinvigorate Sorely Missed Anti-War Movement

WASHINGTON D.C. – Bemoaning the number of protestors in the streets, the U.S. Department of Defense is proposing to reinstate the draft to revive the once great anti-war movement.  

Feeling nostalgic for the good ol’ days, Pentagon officials have admitted that, although the wars of the past thirty years have been successful for the most part, on the domestic front it’s really been quite boring. 

“The whole thing just hasn’t been as much fun since the end of Vietnam”, said one General who entered the service back in 1969.  “It used to be kind of exciting when we attacked other countries, but now, it’s all ‘thank you for your service, thank you for your service’ and it just feels… I don’t know, like something’s missing.” 

Absence truly does make the heart grow fonder.

Leaders from all branches of the armed forces have lamented the fact that their military campaigns of late have been met with mostly silent acceptance.  Indeed, with the exception of a few weeks at the beginning of the Iraq War in 2003, the streets have been virtually empty of demonstrators since the mid-seventies.

There have been a few pathetic exceptions, but for the most part, it’s all been phony patriotism and Support the Troops rhetoric, say the military.  And it’s getting old fast.

“There were a couple of times during both Bush presidencies where we thought the masses might rally again, but then it fizzled out and everyone went back to their daily lives”, said another Pentagon official.  “It’s really depressing.  I mean, how are we supposed to care about bombing people if no one else does?”, he added.

In fact, according to a DOD study commissioned last year, the lack of demonstrations have had a profound affect on the military’s morale as a whole.  It seems that everyone from the top military brass to the newest recruits are suffering from what’s called, “drone syndrome”, wherein they just go through the motions with little feeling whatsoever, apparently because millions of people aren’t calling them baby killers anymore.

And, as protests over the economy threaten to steal away the ire of the public’s attention, the promise of bringing back compulsory enlistment may be more important than ever.

The draft, or enforced conscription as it’s also known, dates back to antiquity, and has been used successfully in the United States since World War I to increase military manpower. 

However in 1973, President Nixon decided to abandon the policy, and President Ford subsequently abolished it in 1975.  Since then, most citizens have cared less and less about America’s imperialistic aims, and that has leaders worried.  

To solve this problem, the government recommends what they call a “Scorch Dearth” campaign of forced military service to thaw out the populations’ waning interest in foreign occupation.  It’s a bold move for sure, as it’s certain to stir the nation’s peaceful slumber, especially among the youth.  But it must be done, they say.

Defense Secretary, Leon Panetta, issued a statement saying that, “The absence of anger among the American people can no longer stand.  The protests in this country over our foreign policies these last couple of decades have been nothing short of pitiful.  Well, we’re going to fix that, I promise you.”

He went on to point out that since the attacks on 9/11, not only have we gone into Afghanistan and Iraq, but that we will be in Libya, Syria, Iran, North Korea, and at least a dozen other countries, if not the entire planet, in the very near future.  He reminded us, as former Vice President Cheney has said, ‘ that this is a war that will not end in our lifetime’.

“We cannot hope to accomplish all this with a volunteer only army, even when supplemented with overpaid mercenaries.  We need as many American asses on the front lines as we can get.  Now, if that doesn’t motivate you to get out there and start burning us in effigy, then I don’t know what will”, Panetta continued.

Certainly, the Pentagon hopes so.  Heck, it might even give a much needed boost to the economy and prompt us to shut up about that issue.  If not, then it will just have to continue its crusade of world domination all alone.  Shocking and awing in quiet desperation, as they say.