Obama Orders All Classified Documents to Be Converted to Wingdings

WASHINGTON DC – On Friday, President Obama signed an executive order to prevent the further release of classified information to organizations such as Wikileaks, by issuing a directive that all intelligence information be converted to the totally unreadable font Wingdings, and Wingdings 2 & 3.

Concerns over the disclosure of hundreds of thousands of classified documents have prompted the administration to issue the so-called “Wingdings Order”, to improve the security of the nation’s most sensitive data and prevent any further embarrassing breaches to the public.

The order requires that all federal agencies begin converting the classified material to the dingbat shapes and symbols immediately.

“Making the switch to Wingdings will ensure that all of our most sensitive diplomatic and national security documents will be wholly unreadable", said Patrick F. Kennedy, the under secretary for management at the State Department.

The move is one of many stopgap measures that the State Department, the Pentagon, and the Central Intelligence Agency have implemented since the fallout from the initial Wikileaks disclosures last November. 

Computer security experts praised the measure as a bold new step in preventing any enemies, foreign or domestic, from gaining access to top-secret information.

“This is really a brilliant move on the part of the government”, said Travis Russell, a top security expert with Global Operating Systems Hardware and Database Access Retrieval Networks (GOSHDARN-IT).  “The glyphs and characters in the Wingdings fonts are not only unrecognizable and unsafe for web use, the ciphers needed to decode them are virtually unbreakable”, he added.    

In addition to the conversion measures, the executive order creates an internal task force headed by the attorney general and the director of national intelligence to combat leaks from government insiders.  The task force will use behavioral analysis to monitor all government employees, paying particular attention to those who have a penchant for using funny fonts and colors in e-mails and other correspondence. 

The White House stressed that the new policies will strike a balance between making sure to avoid further data theft without violating people’s rights to express themselves in humorous ways.  Just don’t use Curlz MT, Vivaldi, Mistral, Comic Sans MS, Jokerman, or god-forbid, Bradley Hand ITC, or any other silly font type to do so.

Violations will surely bring further scrutiny and may peg you as a potential whistleblower.

No dingbats were harmed in the making of this report.