NEW YORK - In its ongoing effort to distance itself from anything remotely resembling real history, American-based cable and satellite television channel, History (formerly known as The History Channel), and its sister network H2 (formerly known as History International), will soon launch its much anticipated new name, Hystery, in the coming months.
Part of a re-branding strategy that’s been in the works for the last couple of years, network executives say they will continue to produce shows that have absolutely nothing to do with actual history, but now they can do so without all the baggage the term “history” carries with it.
“Let’s face it, history is fucking boring”, says Dak McHoogillop, creator of the upcoming Bristol Palin reality series and Executive Vice President of Programming for A&E Television Networks, which co-owns the History brands along with Disney-ABC and NBC Universal.
“Re-branding the channel’s old-fashioned image more accurately reflects a broader vision of permanently destroying what remains of intellectual thought in America. And let’s be honest, we’re targeting dumb-downed American males between the ages of 25-54 who know little to nothing of anything anyway. So, we’re all very excited”, he continued.
Nancy Christiansen, President of History Channel added, “Look, we’re not totally leaving history behind. We’ll still throw a few bones to the die-hards out there, but the name change will finally remove, once and for all, the stigma of being this ‘fuddy-duddy’ old folks channel that only shows black & white archival footage and mind-numbingly dull BBC documentaries”, she said.
“The word Hystery conveys a hip new version of the world that’s filled with fear, paranoia, loads of speculation, and a bunch of conspiratorial bullshit that should leave you confused, enervated, and more misinformed than ever. Not unlike our hit series, Brad Meltzer’s Decoded. It’s the network of the here and now, not some outdated and irrelevant past that, quite frankly, no one gives a shit about anyway”, she continued.
Indeed, the recent spate of programming is a testament to the network’s dedication to erasing any notion of fact or to produce anything with any actual historical value whatsoever. Ax Men, Ice Road Truckers, Pawn Stars, Swamp People, the brand new Only in America with Larry the Cable Guy, as well as all the Ancient Aliens, UFO Hunters, The Nostradumbass Effect, and other similarly themed shows are just a few of the more egregious examples that many believe signal the impending apocalypse (also coming this Fall on Thursday nights at 7pm PST, btw).
And the results, so far, have been a resounding success. The network’s ratings have been up, which means only one thing: more ad sales. And that, say industry watchers, is what really matters anyway, as it will now be able to attract even more high-profile reality television producers pitching their shows featuring the latest cast of hicks and hucksters. After all, that's what the viewers really want.
More importantly, say business insiders, you can trademark the word ‘hystery’, which is a practical move from a marketing standpoint. Unlike the generic term ‘history’, which can’t be trademarked, the new name will give the network more leverage in selling its brand across the globe.
It’s the same brilliant strategy those “geeky” network officials used at the Syfy Channel (formerly known as the Sci-Fi Channel), when they launched a similar make-over in 2009 to distance itself from anything even remotely resembling science fiction (or anything at all for that matter), and asking everyone to somehow, “Imagine Greater”. Hint: Just add the suffix ‘mega’ to any noun.
So, surely the same success can apply to a channel dedicated to distancing itself from anything even remotely resembling actual history.
Upon hearing of the proposed name change, most historians admit that they’re, “not surprised”, as no one pays any attention to real academic scholarship anymore anyway. Others praised the move, saying that the new name will finally give their questionable sound bites some semblance of credibility as newly minted ‘hysterical’ experts.
The projected launch date is scheduled for sometime in March.