CIA and State Department Issue Joint Apology Over Kony2012 Fiasco

CIA Director David Petraeus apologizing for Kony 2012.WASHINGTON DC – Due to all the controversy surrounding the public meltdown of government mind-control victim Jason Russell, Kony2012 producer and co-founder of the NWO front charity Invisible Children, both the CIA and U.S. State Department have been forced to issue an apology for thoroughly and irrevocably screwing up what promised to be a successful psyops campaign to mobilize the gullible and brainwashed youth of America into supporting more military intervention in Africa.

The statement, released today, reads in part:

“A joint covert operation between the CIA and State Department to garner political support for invading Uganda and stealing its valuable resources was exposed, both literally and figuratively, when the primary target's programming went totally haywire due to an egregious misstep by his inexperienced handlers.  In spook-speak, we refer to incidents like these as state-sponsored FUBAR’s, which unfortunately happen from time to time when trying to influence the dumbed-down masses.  We would first like to sincerely apologize to all those American idiots who fell for the blatantly obvious propaganda. Secondly, we'd like to apologize to all our loyal illuminati-controlled celebrities who publicly embarrassed themselves endorsing said propaganda.  And finally, and most importantly, we'd like to extend our sincerest apologies to Jason Russell and his family for inadvertently triggering his subconsciously planted messages to completely self-destruct.  This was to happen after his services were no longer needed, so clearly, this was not the timeframe we intended.  We hope that his deprogramming goes smoothly, and that he comes out of the closet… err, we mean hospital, with minimal psychological and/or emotional damage.  Our bad.”

Asked exactly what missteps his ‘handlers’ made, Assistant Secretary of State for Public Affairs and part-time gumshoe, Mike Hammer, stated that sophisticated propaganda and brainwashing techniques utilized by the intelligence community were a matter of national security.

CIA Director, General David Petraeus concurred, and added that tricks of the trade were classified under the hocus pocus code of secrecy and, therefore, cannot be revealed lest they ruin the illusion for everyone who still believes in the magic of democracy.

However, several insiders have stated off the record that it definitely had something to do with Catcher in the Rye, and a Richard Simmons workout video from 1984.

Both government agencies went on to bemoan the fact that, unlike the good old days of the 20^th century, when they could more easily control the message, sensitive psychological operations like these don’t go as smoothly as planned with the goddamned “Inter-tubes” around to immediately call them on their bullshit. 

Indeed, as of today Kony2012 is attracting few supporters, and interest is definitely waning, as the viral campaign is quickly being eclipsed by videos of a clearly unhinged Mr. Russell butt-naked in broad daylight, pounding the pavement with his fists, snapping his fingers, and prancing up and down the sidewalk like a burned-out former member of a 1990's boy band.

As for the whereabouts of Mr. Russell's anti-christ, Joseph Kony, little information was provided.  However, through his agent, the former choir boy and dancer-turned-dictator issued a brief statement thanking Mr. Russell and the shadow government for making him the 'most famous criminal in the world'. 

He also stated that he would eventually say more, but was too busy right now negotiating a contract for a new reality TV series based on his exploits, tentatively titled: Criminal Apprentice, AFRICA, and shooting a video for the hit song: "Bad Boy, Bad Boy, What Uganda Do When They Come For You", set to be released in April.

Rejected Mao 2012 poster before finally settling on Kony.