Cave Paintings Depict Spree Killer Using Sticks and Stones

Prehistoric bat cave in Colorado.BOULDER, CO – Anthropologists with the University of Colorado have announced the discovery of prehistoric cave paintings depicting a mass killing with sticks and stones.

The finding, unearthed while excavating a tunnel system near Picture Canyon in southeastern Colorado, dates to around 13,000 B.C.E., and shows a clothed figure hurling pointed sticks and large rocks at others sitting around a campfire whom, the scientists say, were likely just entertaining each other with scary stories of their day. 

Professor Arturo Pintado, who headed the excavation, said the discovery is an important one, as it could shed more light on mankind’s history of violence, as well as early man’s use of weaponry.

“The scene clearly depicts a lone figure using primitive weapons to inflict pain and injury on others.  Most rock art from this period display weapons as a means to hunt animals.  This particular scene confirms that Paleolithic humans also used weapons for the random, senseless killing of innocent people”, he was quoted as saying.

Coming on the heels of the recent shooting in Aurora, not far from the archaeological site, the finding is sure to fuel the political debate over violence and the government’s role in enforcing greater arms control today. 

Predictably, Republican and Democratic leaders had widely divergent opinions about the meaning and implications of the cave drawings. 

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie criticized the scientists for releasing the findings so close after the massacre.  “I have to question the timing of all of this.  People are still in mourning.  The last thing they need to read about is that history repeats itself.  Shame on science”, he said in a statement.

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg used the opportunity to argue that this proves more laws are needed to protect people from harm.  “If cavemen had stricter sticks and stones control, incidents like these would never have happened”, he said in an interview.

Leaders from several pro-arms groups countered by pointing out that if more people in the cave had sticks and stones, there would have been fewer victims. 

“One thing we know for sure, to stop sticks and stones from hurting your bones, more people need to be armed with sticks and stones”, said Jonny Velanch of Arms For All, a lobby group based in Washington, DC.

Wayne LaPierre, Executive Vice President of the National Rifle Association agreed, and stated that it was unfortunate that prehistoric man didn’t have the second amendment adding, “if they did, things like this could have been prevented.”

Mitt Romney and Barack Obama both issued a statement saying that if they were president 13,000 years ago, they would not have infringed upon an individual’s right to bear sticks and stones.

While the debate rages on, most experts agreed that primitive weapons probably weren’t as dangerous as modern weapons.  After all, sticks and stones may break your bones, but guns and bombs will always hurt you.

Sales of sticks and stones jumped 53% on the news.