Buddhist Extremists Attack U.S. Embassies with Zen Meditation

Buddhist extremists quietly rioting near U.S. Embassy in NepalKATHMANDU, NEPAL – Anger over the blasphemous depiction of their spiritual teacher, Gautama Buddha, has sparked intense, but quiet contemplation across much of East Asia, putting U.S. Embassies in the region on alert.

The source of the quiet contemplation seems to be a recent image from the American satirical website, The Onion, which depicts the ‘awakened one’ as a fat and happy pervert who enjoys being anally fisted by the horny Hindu deity Ganesha, while engaged in a sexually depraved orgy that includes Jesus and Moses. 

Though the image has been up for over a week now, it wasn’t until a monk from a remote monastery in the mountainous region of Kashmir posted the image to his Facebook page that followers of the middle way suddenly took notice.

The image soon spread to other monasteries all over Asia, provoking Buddhists to immediately call for calm, measured breathing, and urging all devotees to assume the lotus position and begin meditating immediately.

The most brazen attack of zazen occurred at the U.S. Embassy in Nepal, where officials say they suddenly felt a oneness with everyone and everything in the universe.  Worried that the attack would bring about an even deeper state of mindful awareness, security personnel whisked officials away to a safe house at an undisclosed location.

U.S. Ambassador Peter W. Bohdi issued a statement saying that he was fine and that, although he didn’t achieve a state of Nirvana, he better understands that we are all spiritual beings who must eliminate desire and earthly pleasures to attain greater happiness. 

The U.S. State Department condemned the attacks, however, they blamed the writers of The Onion for inflaming the passions of Buddhists all over the world and putting America’s karmic future in jeopardy.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton issued a statement regarding the attacks:

“I condemn in the strongest terms the mass meditations on our mission in Kathmandu today.  As we work to secure our personnel and facilities, we have confirmed that one our State Department officers was kōan’d.  However, we now have reason to doubt this report.  We send our thoughts and prayers out into the great void in the hope that we can someday solve this puzzling contradiction.

This evening, I called His Holiness the 14^th Dalai Lama to coordinate additional support to protect Americans from having an existential crisis contemplating the endless cycle of life and death.  The Dalai Lama offered his understanding and pledged his full support for practicing Mayahana correctly to avoid any further suffering.  Americans should not have to live in fear of being reincarnated as a bug or toad, or some other such lowly creature.

Some have sought to justify this civilized and rational behavior as a response to inflammatory material posted on the Internet.  The United States deplores any effort that might bring about further enlightenment through the use of humor, satire, or ridicule.  Our commitment to both freedom of speech and religious tolerance goes back to the very beginning of our nation.  But let me be clear without any hint of irony: There is never any justification for peaceful, thought-provoking acts of this kind.”

Meanwhile, leaders from several Buddhist and Daoist sects have called on the U.N. and the international community to criminalize the gratuitous use of war, fighting, and threats of violence to solve mankind's differences.  The comments put them squarely at odds with their Judeo-Christian and Muslim counterparts, who instead seem hell-bent on wiping each other off the face of the Earth.