Concerned that the fuel rods will be buried forever under a giant mound of concrete, the task force, which is being dubbed Save All Nuclear Energy (or SANE), consulted with a panel of experts to determine the best method for retrieving the coveted radioactive material from the reactor core.

According to several engineers in attendance, the solutions ranged from using robots specially designed for sensitive material retrieval, to using humans willing to grab the zirconium alloy tubes by hand.  The human solution is a controversial one, as it entails exposure to lethal doses of radiation.  However, as members of the task force pointed out, many of the plant’s workers have already been exposed beyond their maximum, so further contamination wouldn’t really harm them any further.

A few committee members, inspired by stories of the “Fukushima Fifty”, initially offered to go in to the reactor core themselves, but seemed less enthusiastic after their proposal was met with nods of approval.  It was then suggested industry leaders offer a cash incentive to entice nuclear supporters who are actually willing.  Borrowing a phrase from the previous administration, volunteers would be called a "Coalition of the Willing to Die".   

“All options are on the table at this particular time”, Obama told reporters after the meeting.  However, time is running short, and a final solution has yet to be determined.

At issue is the announcement that the disaster has been raised to a level 7 on the International Nuclear and Radiological Event Scale, considered the absolute worst-case scenario, mitigating a sense of urgency for the SANE participants, as it’s all but inevitable the Japanese will have to implement the ‘Chernobyl Solution’ to entomb the entire complex.

Two of the world’s largest concrete pumps are already en route to Japan, ostensibly to assist in pouring water on the reactors to help with cooling, but now appears are going to be needed to help permanently bury the stricken facility.   

A spokesman for Putzmeister America, a subsidiary of the German manufacturer who built the pumps, confirmed as much by saying that, “Based on recent developments, the pumps are definitely going to be used to pour sand and cement on the place.  We can do this from about 220 feet away, and we can control them remotely up to two miles from the plant to reduce any exposure to workers.”

GE and Hitachi, who together built the reactors, say they have a vested interest in saving them and will use, “any means necessary, including human sacrifice”, to achieve their aims.  A lucrative payout may just be the answer, especially in these hard economic times.

Mr. Immelt, who recently met with Japanese industry minister Banri Kaieda, stated his commitment by offering to personally compensate anyone willing to, “suicide themselves for the cause.”  No word on how much these latter-day Kamikazes would receive, however Immelt did say that, “it would come out of GE's tax-exempt profits, so it would be substantial.”

Supporters of the nuclear industry applauded the gesture, saying the offer is akin to getting a guaranteed life insurance policy knowing you'll be dead within a year, an unheard of proposition in the industry.  “Something like this only comes along once in a lifetime”, stated several cash-strapped supporters who said they'd seriously consider the proposal if the price was right.  "This is a way for someone to not only provide for the family they leave behind, but be hailed as a hero, while also saving vital nuclear energy for generations to come", they added.

Opponents countered by saying the proposal didn't go far enough, and should also include a law mandating that anyone who supports nuclear energy be drafted to help with any clean-up and retrieval of radioactive material.  They added that if Mr. Immelt and other leading nuclear apologists were really serious about saving the fuel rods, they’d do more than just 'put their money where their mouth is', and get their own hands dirty in the effort.

Like that's gonna happen.

Stocks for both GE and Hitachi traded several points higher today on the news.

The big story in science and technology this past week was the defeat of Jeopardy! champions Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter by a supercomputer named Watson.  Developed by IBM engineers over a four-year period, Watson handily (with no hands, natch!) trounced its human competitors by quickly using language algorithms to analyze and interpret several terabytes of data to find the right answer.  Or, in this case, find the right question. 

The win is a triumph for the advancement of artificial intelligence (A.I.), following in the footsteps of its chess playing ancestor (or is that transistor), Deep Blue.  However, these man vs. machine massacres are nothing compared to what IBM plans on unleashing next: a computer that can mercilessly crush a child’s self-esteem at the simple racing board game Candy Land.

First published in 1949, the game has become an American icon and is a ubiquitous staple in family closets everywhere.  Requiring almost no reading skills, and minimal counting, Candy Land has brought immense joy, as well as a sense of friendly competitive spirit, to generations of children who love its simple storyline of Candy Cane Forests, Molasses Swamps, and Gum Drop Mountains.

Sadly, the days of innocently navigating the colorful sugary roads to get to the Candy Castle and find the lost King Kandy may be gone forever. 

Shrouded in secrecy for the last several months, IBM is about to announce the unveiling of Ellie, the first computerized Candy Land champion.  Named after the original designer, Eleanor Abbott, who conceived and designed Candy Land while recovering from polio in 1945, Ellie is poised to dominate the magical world of Gramma Nutt, Mr. Mint, Queen Frostine, Lord Licorice, Gloppy the Chocolate Monster, and the Gingerbread People. 

Using a complex mathematical algorithm, Ellie factors the number of players, the number of actual cards (single, double, picture/character) in the 64 color card deck, as well as the 134 spaces on the board, then calculates the odds of landing on a shortcut, penalty space or, worse, landing on Gooey Gumdrops, getting lost in the Lollipop Woods, or stuck in the Molasses Swamp.  She then uses advanced statistical analysis to determine the probabilities, averaging the length of play, and develops her game strategy accordingly.

The program also computes the probability of players arguing over whether a win is determined by advancing past the final purple square or landing directly on it, always a source of endless squabbling and tantrum throwing.  Also, as Ellie’s 'technically' the youngest player, she always gets to go first, which gives her a slight advantage.

“The programming is quite sophisticated”, stated the project’s principal investigator Milton Bradley (no relation to the game company).  “It requires mathematical skills akin to counting cards in gambling, the reasoning skills of a kindergartner, and a childlike burning desire for cheating.  All of that takes enormous processing power”, he continued.

Ellie will be presented to the public for the first time in April at the 2011 World Candy Land Championship Tournament in San Diego, California, where she will compete with the top winners.

Future plans for Ellie include software upgrades for the games Chutes and Ladders and Sorry!, the latter of which is especially important, so that the children can get into the habit of apologizing to their computer overlords.

Panic

- Mcpocalypse News tribute to Douglas Adams

In this report, Mcpocalypse News chronicles the significant contributions social media sites have played in helping to foment past rebellions throughout the world.  But before we begin, it’s important to note that this list highlights only a few of the more famous examples, and is by no means comprehensive of the Web 2.0’s vast historical influence.

The Babylonian Revolt Against the Assyrian Empire

Around 612 BC, Babylonians fed up with their Assyrian rulers took advantage of the weakened empire after Ashurbanipal’s death in 627 and began posting “We are all Babylon” cuneiform texts on Facebrick, the precursor to Facebook.  The clay tablets quickly garnered thousands of supporters, and spread across the Assyrian Empire via carrier pigeons to and from the Medians, Scythians, and Cimmerians.  Assyria was unprepared for the massive onslaught, and the city of Nineveh soon fell.  A few years later, the remaining holdouts of the empire were defeated by the Babylonian blogging hordes at the Battle of Megiddo.  Ironically, it was the Egyptians who were on the losing side of this particular revolution, as they lent their support to the Assyrians.

The Roman Slave Rebellion

Between 71 – 73 BC several disparate and, largely unconnected, slave rebellions rose up to take on the Roman Republic.  At first unsuccessful, it wasn’t until a Roman googladiator named Spartacus started using social networking as a tool for organizing did the various slave discussion groups band together.  Beginning with a small, but dedicated group of about 78 googladiators, all of whom created their own “I am Spartacus” pages on Mywaxtabletspace, did they finally amass an army of 120,000 followers.  Unfortunately, the rebellion failed, and Rome soon after became an empire, censoring all webtychs that didn’t have Caesar’s approval.  However the rebellion did eventually inspire several action-packed Hollywood blockbusters, which went on to amass loads of money and win Oscars by exploiting its story of the plebian underdog.  So, it wasn’t like a total failure.

Moving on to after Jesus’ death who, we should mention, pooh poohed the power of social networking during his lifetime and subsequently amassed only twelve followers on his Twitter account because he didn’t see the point in tweeting his sermons in 140 characters or less.  But we digress…

Next up…

The Nika Riots circa 532 AD

Gangs of anti-Justinian youth divided into Blue and Green teams organized a week long riot on the emperor’s palace, which began after a chariot race at the Hippodrome (think of a football game at the Superdome, but with hooved animals instead of padded ones).  Anyway, angry over the high taxes imposed by the emperor, the rioters managed to burn down half the city of Constantinople and kill thousands.  Justinian tried to bravely run away, but was pressured to stay by his nagging wife.  He eventually bribed the Blue team with gold, who all then went home, leaving the Greens by themselves to be slaughtered by Imperial troops.  

The Internet was shut down for a long period following this event, otherwise known as ‘The Dark Ages’.

The Peasant’s Revolt

Jumping almost a millennia, and a subsequent increase in technology and its usage, we arrive at the Peasant’s Revolt of 1381, where disgruntled serfs fed up with things like the poll tax, labor shortages, and the Black Death, created a website called serfdomsucks.com, and started tweeting.  What began as a series of protests, eventually escalated, culminating with the storming of the Tower of London, and the execution of the nobles hiding therein.

The Eighty Years’ War, or Dutch War of Independence

One of the longest revolts in history to use the power of social networking to connect and sustain the people was the Eighty Years’ War between 1568 – 1648.  Without instant messaging capabilities, the Seventeen Provinces of the Low Countries would never have stayed united long enough to have their Beeldenstorm and overthrow Hapsburg rule.

Which brings us to…

The American Revolution

Between 1775 – 1783, the thirteen colonies in North America joined together to break free from British rule, and become The United States of America.  Inspired by popular ‘Age of Enlightenment’ bloggers like John Locke, David Hume, Emmanuel Kant, Benjamin Franklin, Voltaire, Goethe, Rousseau, and Thomas Jefferson, the colonies mobilized their militias through the Patriot Forum, moderated by admin Paul Revere.  His famous midnight tweets, “The British are coming!, The British are coming!”, are still revered as the 48 text-based characters that brought us the freedoms we enjoy today.

The French Revolution of 1789

Wherein the egalitarian spirit of the Internet age brought down the aristocracy and the collapse of absolute monarchy.

The American Civil War

And what list would be complete without mention of the War Between the States between 1861 – 1865.  Slavery in the United States might still be in existence had it not been for the Luddite Southern states, who stubbornly refused to adapt to that, “Internet thingy”, thereby giving the North a distinct technological advantage.   

All this inevitably leads up to the 20^th century, which includes:

The Bolshevik Revolution

The German Revolution

Gandhi’s Non-Cooperation Movement

The Civil Rights Movement

The overthrow of the Shah of Iran

and, arguably the most significant example of social networking’s influence…

The Fall of the Soviet Union

All surely would have failed had it not been for Mark Zuckerberg and Jack Dorsey.

Of course, let’s not forget the great Sumerian king Al Gore, who invented the Internet back in the early Bronze Age, as well as Larry Page and Sergey Brin who capitalized on the ‘greatest invention since the wheel’ to allow people to find these social networking sites.  Honorable mention must go to Bill Gates and Steve Jobs for giving people the hardware and software to access these revolutionary tools to begin with. 

As these, and many more, examples show us, it’s a wonder how the world ever got by without the Internet at all.

The author also wishes to acknowledge the online encyclopedia, Wikipedia, for providing the in-depth, and incontrovertible, research material that went into the writing of this article.