IOWA - After years of careful experimentation in his secret diabolical lab, Dr. Ron Paul announced today that he has finally perfected the long sought after elixir of invisibility in his quest to conquer the Oval Office.
He reportedly got a chance to try it out for the first time this weekend.
Indeed, despite almost winning the Iowa straw poll, raising as much money or more than his opponents, and amassing a large following of die-hard supporters, Congressman Paul appeared to miraculously vanish in front of millions.
“It was astounding”, said one political observer. “Here he was riding high on the momentum of a populist uprising, getting rounds of applause from the audience, his poll numbers soaring, and then poof! No media coverage whatsoever. He just friggin’ disappeared”, he continued.
“I did it!”, said Dr. Paul rubbing his hands together and laughing maniacally. “I’ve finally achieved what no other politician has ever dreamed of! Total transparency! Now, I will rule the world!…. er… I mean, no that’s not what I want, I don’t want to rule the world. Just the United States. Ruling the world is bad. Jesus, this shit is dangerous.”
Based upon the theory first proposed by H.G. Wells in his science fiction classic, The Invisible Man, that if a person’s refractive index is changed to that of air so his body does not absorb light, the goal of invisibility has been the holy grail of those seeking unlimited military, economic, and political power.
The applications of such a discovery are certainly profound. The commercial and military uses alone could tip the balance of power for the nation that controls it. The danger, of course, lies in making sure the technology doesn’t get into the hands of the enemy.
As one Pentagon analyst stated, “I don’t know what Ron Paul’s been drinking, but it looks to me like this is a matter of National Security. God forbid this technology gets into the hands of a terrorist or rogue nation. And I don’t even want to think about the Chinese or Russians having it. We have to make sure any and all cloaking methodologies stay hidden.”
Not to worry, as that’s exactly the way Dr. Paul plans to keep it. “Despite what you may have heard on the Internet, he has no plans to share his secret with anyone else. The magic formula of invisibility will stay his and his alone. So, don’t go spreading rumors to the contrary”, said Jesse Benton his campaign manager.
That’s potentially bad news for Paul supporters, as many of them probably wish he’d slip a few of those magic drops in his opponents’ glass.