Washington, DC - In an effort to restore their public image after the shooting in Arizona and its aftermath, the Republican National Committee has put forth a proposal to produce a touring Wild West Show, starring leaders of the new conservative movement.
Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, Ann Coulter, and Rush Limbaugh have already signed on, with many more right wing pundits and politicos expected to soon follow their lead. The tour is being funded by the Koch brothers and sponsored by Wal-Mart, the NRA, and Premiere Radio Networks. Toby Keith and Ted Nugent will headline the musical acts.
Calling the tour "Apocapalooza", the idea was first proposed by newly elected RNC chairman Reince Priebus, taking his inspiration from the popular Wild West Shows of the late 19th century as conceived by Buffalo Bill. In those shows, fading legends of frontier America would travel to small towns re-enacting romanticized versions of the Old West in a circus-like atmosphere. Gunfights, famous battles, train robberies, stagecoach hold-ups, cattle drives, and the like were all carefully choreographed to simulate the real and/or imagined events they were depicting.
Similarly, the new shows will re-create famous events from the late 20th and early 21st centuries that are close to conservatives' hearts. A copy of the proposal reveals plans for an opening parade celebrating the life and times of Ronald Reagan, dear leader of the new conservative movement.
Other planned performances include:
- An Iran/Contra re-telling, wherein Reagan administration officials are portrayed as the good guys and lauded as heroes instead of indicted as criminals.
- A reenactment of the Iraq War, complete with fireworks to simulate shock and awe, then the toppling of a Saddam Hussein statue with cheering Iraqis who will throw flowers into the crowd, and ending with George Bush's Mission Accomplished speech projected from large overhead screens.
- Torture the Terrorists recreates the techniques and tactics used on prisoners of Abu Ghraib to elicit confessions, and will include an interactive water-boarding tent so attendees can experience the thrill of drowning a Muslim. For an extra fee, there will also be a photo booth for people to recreate the poses in the infamous Abu Ghraib pictures.
- Exposing a Traitor will re-imagine the outing of CIA agent Valerie Plame from a right-wing perspective, and culminate with the burning of her in effigy as an America-hating witch.
- The New Inquisition will feature Anne Coulter, as she converts Muslims to Christianity, with those refusing to be mock executed in a variety of grisly ways.
- Killing of the Wolves-in-Sheep's-Clothing will headline Sarah Palin as she makes her grand entrance by swooping down in a helicopter and shooting a live wolf in a rodeo-like enclosure. It's noted that if they run out of wolves on tour, other animals like bears or moose will be used instead.
- The Grand Finale will feature a Glenn Beck rant about the various conspiracies being plotted by liberals to destroy America, ending with a call to prayer for the apocalypse and Jesus' return.
Buttons, t-shirts, and other paraphernalia will be on sale, and there will be book signings for those who can read. Fans of Tom Clancy will be happy to hear he's planning on attending several of the events, according to his publicist. Various political action groups will also be hawking their wares, and a large emporium will house a guns and ammo show.
"Conservatives have been unfairly maligned over the tragedy in Tucson, and we feel this event will go a long way in restoring our credibility in the minds of the American people", Mr. Priebus was quoted as saying. "Our goal is for patriotic Americans to feel proud of their country once again, and there's no one better to do that than fire-breathing Republicans", he continued.
More information and tour dates to be announced soon.