Weiner Says It's Not His 'Weener'

Warning: Egregious use of penile puns ahead (ahem).

Size Does MatterNEW YORK, NY. - Rep. Anthony Weiner has aroused more suspicion today by neither confirming nor denying that the crotch in question is his, and reiterated his opinion that the incident is, "a distraction, and nothing more than a silly prank by some hacker who probably goes by the name Willy or Wang."  

The lewd photo, which was originally posted on the pecker sharing site yhorntoad.com, was sent via Mr. Weiner's Twitter feed to a female 21 year old college student in Bellingham, WA. 

With the groin scandal now threatening his political future, the cocksure congressman has retained attorney John Thomas to review his legal options and, according to sources close to the case, may use the well known fact that Mr. Weiner wears boxers not briefs as a defense.

Veteran prosecutors have pointed out, however, that this defense tactic may be hard to swallow as the penis does in fact lean to the left and, though admittedly only circumcisional evidence at best, may indicate guilt regardless of underwear type.         

To prop up his case, Mr. Weiner has also hired a private dick to probe into the alleged breach to determine if it was the two nuts who live downstairs or his asshole neighbor who were involved in the hoax.  The FBI is also investigating the matter, saying they have a list of suspected pricks they're lining up for questioning. 

Meanwhile, republican members of congress, who are decrying a media double-standard when it comes to democratic sex scandals, are looking hard into whether or not erection fraud has been committed.

Supporters say he's being given the shaft and hung out to dry by a jury of public opinion, as if his guilt is already a foreskin conclusion.  Opponents worry that with the media's short attention span, the whole sordid affair will just blow over and shrink in importance due to lack of coverage.   

All agree that many questions remain, and the answers will determine whether or not Mr. Weiner stays in office or resigns to hand the job off to some other jerk.       

Update on Monday, June 6, 2011 at 4:22PM by Juvenal Delinquent

Weiner admits he's a victim of whacking not hacking. 

Update on Monday, June 6, 2011 at 4:53PM by Juvenal Delinquent

Sources say he's being offered the job as spokesman for Oscar Meyer once he leaves office.