IOWA - After years of careful experimentation in his secret diabolical lab, Dr. Ron Paul announced today that he has finally perfected the long sought after elixir of invisibility in his quest to conquer the Oval Office.
He reportedly got a chance to try it out for the first time this weekend.
Indeed, despite almost winning the Iowa straw poll, raising as much money or more than his opponents, and amassing a large following of die-hard supporters, Congressman Paul appeared to miraculously vanish in front of millions.
“It was astounding”, said one political observer. “Here he was riding high on the momentum of a populist uprising, getting rounds of applause from the audience, his poll numbers soaring, and then poof! No media coverage whatsoever. He just friggin’ disappeared”, he continued.
“I did it!”, said Dr. Paul rubbing his hands together and laughing maniacally. “I’ve finally achieved what no other politician has ever dreamed of! Total transparency! Now, I will rule the world!…. er… I mean, no that’s not what I want, I don’t want to rule the world. Just the United States. Ruling the world is bad. Jesus, this shit is dangerous.”
Based upon the theory first proposed by H.G. Wells in his science fiction classic, The Invisible Man, that if a person’s refractive index is changed to that of air so his body does not absorb light, the goal of invisibility has been the holy grail of those seeking unlimited military, economic, and political power.
The applications of such a discovery are certainly profound. The commercial and military uses alone could tip the balance of power for the nation that controls it. The danger, of course, lies in making sure the technology doesn’t get into the hands of the enemy.
As one Pentagon analyst stated, “I don’t know what Ron Paul’s been drinking, but it looks to me like this is a matter of National Security. God forbid this technology gets into the hands of a terrorist or rogue nation. And I don’t even want to think about the Chinese or Russians having it. We have to make sure any and all cloaking methodologies stay hidden.”
Not to worry, as that’s exactly the way Dr. Paul plans to keep it. “Despite what you may have heard on the Internet, he has no plans to share his secret with anyone else. The magic formula of invisibility will stay his and his alone. So, don’t go spreading rumors to the contrary”, said Jesse Benton his campaign manager.
That’s potentially bad news for Paul supporters, as many of them probably wish he’d slip a few of those magic drops in his opponents’ glass.
AMES, IA – Though much of the attention this past weekend centered on Michele Bachmann winning the Iowa straw poll, she reportedly also won in the lesser known Iowa stripper poll (a new barometer for female Republican hotness), by beating out Sarah Palin by a wide margin.
Results from the stripper poll show that among mid-western Republican males, Bachmann is their newest MILF, with 69% of the vote versus Palin’s 30%. Perry, Romney, and Huntsman received a combined 0.9%, which analysts attribute to closeted gay conservatives, with the remaining few ballots divided among Ron Paul and Rick Santorum, as sympathy and joke votes respectively. Apparently, no one gay or straight is interested in fucking Herman Cain, Newt Gingrich, or Tim Pawlenty.
Upon hearing the news, Bachmann said she was gratified that more Republican men now wanted to have sex with her than Sarah Palin. After all, it was only a short time ago that Palin dominated the right-wing’s masturbatory fantasies. “We definitely plan to capitalize on Michele’s newfound sex appeal”, said her campaign manager Ed Rollins. “We have several campaign slogans we’re considering: Cum and Vote for Michele, Get an Erection this Election, and some others, but we’re still deciding”, he continued.
Meanwhile, Palin’s camp said that Sarah is still debating whether or not she'll enter the race. However several of her close allies say that knowing more men want to fuck Michele, may just be the tipping point that gets her back in the running. As one of her political team members confided, “Don’t tell her I said this, but Sarah can’t stand the fact that more men are now imagining Michele giving them a blow job than her. Let’s face it, you have a much better chance of getting laid with Sarah, as everyone knows Michele will complain of a headache.”
So, it looks like mama bear’s getting jealous. But who can blame her. Seems like just yesterday men all over the country were shouting they’d rather be “Nailin’ Palin”. Though it’s still early in the campaign, it does appear that a battle for Top Teabagger is on between the two most famous female Republicans.
The question is whether or not party members have enough balls for both.
WASHINGTON DC – The debate over the national debt has intensified and taken several dramatic turns this past week, as both the White House and Republican congressional leaders clash over how to solve the impending crisis.
At issue is raising the debt ceiling to avoid default, a doomsday scenario which could trigger a global economic meltdown. The current debt limit stands at $14.29 trillion, and needs to be raised $2.4 trillion to keep the government operational until at least the November 2012 election cycle. A longer-term solution includes a $4 trillion deficit reduction.
Republicans are demanding deep spending cuts to entitlements and social programs, but without raising taxes on the wealthy. Democrats, meanwhile, argue that taxes are the only real solution, and decry any cuts to social programs as wholly unacceptable.
The two sides appear to be at an impasse. So much so, that even Social Security and Medicare are on the table as bargaining chips. Like a game of political poker, neither side appears willing to call the others’ bluff, and no one wants to risk being blamed for any repercussions should they fail to reach an agreement.
Several proposals have been bandied about, but none have achieved enough bi-partisan support to guarantee breaking the stalemate. Without a solution by the Aug. 2nd deadline, the U.S. will officially be in default of its obligations.
The stakes certainly couldn’t be higher, which is why leaders from both parties are now seriously considering a controversial offer from China. According to both White House and congressional insiders, the Chinese government has tentatively agreed to purchase the original U.S. Constitution and Bill of Rights for $3 trillion.
Sources from the U.S. and China said the proposal also stipulates that the documents must be authenticated as the originals, and outlines a plan for China to hold on to them and keep them safe until the U.S. can get its financial affairs in order. Once the U.S. has done so, it can then buy back the documents by paying the principle, plus a 3.14% fixed annual interest rate; a real bargain say those brokering the deal.
It’s a win/win for both countries. China stands to make a nice profit from the deal, and the U.S. gets to meet its fiscal responsibilities without the need for any draconian spending cuts. It’s certainly a win for both democrats and republicans, as each side will be able to take credit for finding a bi-partisan solution, something both parties need leading up to the 2012 election.
“This is really out-of-the-box thinking for the political establishment, and credit should go to both parties for having the guts to accept an offer like this”, said a source close to the negotiations. “Of course, most of the credit should go to China" , he continued.
China, which already owns approximately $1.6 trillion in Treasury bonds and securities, and is by far the largest holder of U.S. public debt in the world, sees this as an opportunity to own a more valuable American asset. Let's face it, the dollar's not a very good investment right now. Critics of the deal say that an investment this size, regardless of value, would give the Chinese too much power and influence over our nation's economy. Not to mention a vital piece of our history.
Supporters counter by pointing out the fact that China already owns a significant piece of the U.S. economy, and that the benefits certainly outweigh any costs associated with selling the documents on which this country was founded. They argue that China’s willingness to invest such a huge amount of money trumps any sentimental notions people may have for an outdated piece of paper. The constitution represents the past, and we need to think of the future. This will not only solve the debt problem, but boost America’s credit rating, likely spurring more investment. And profit is more important than some antiquated piece of parchment.
They also mention that, if successful, it could lead to similar business deals, such as the selling of the Statue of Liberty or other national treasures. Think of it as a passing of the torch, so to speak, to up and coming empires. “The United States as a superpower is in sharp decline, and really doesn’t export anything of value except for weapons and entertainment. Having these nostalgic relics from the old republic which, quite frankly, are just sitting there like museum pieces, may as well be put to good use. They’re assets like anything else”, one of the supporters said on condition of anonymity.
Several political commentators, however, publicly praised the proposal. Time Magazine’s Richard Stengel, who recently wrote a cover story asking if the constitution still mattered said, “the U.S. should jump at this before the Chinese figure out it’s not worth that much. I mean, and I think I intimated this in my piece, that the constitution, although still relevant 'theoretically' in today's world, is really just a piece of paper written over two-hundred years ago by men who were not infallible. We should use this opportunity to write a new one."
CNN’s Fareed Zakaria concurred, reiterating that the constitution needs to be “debated and fixed” anyway to bring it into the 21st century. “If the Chinese are willing to pay that much for a tattered old document made of hemp, then I say make the deal and sign it!”, he said. Or, to put it another way, 'put that in your pipe and smoke it.'
Others emphasized that just because someone else owns the physical parchment on which it was written, doesn’t mean its sentiments are necessarily null and void. We still have copies of it, and there are a few people out there who still know what it says, and they could remind us if needed. That's what blogs are for. They also point out that a communist country like the People’s Republic of China having such a document in its possession might actually influence it for the better. They could use it for inspiration, or display it in Tiananmen Square for instance.
However, not everyone sees it that way. The most vociferous condemnations of the proposal have come from republican Congressman and presidential nominee Ron Paul, and democratic Representative Dennis Kucinich. Both have been outspoken critics of the Obama administration and their own party’s leadership on a number of issues, and denounced it as nothing short of a criminal act.
Rep. Paul, a staunch constitutionalist, who has a significant following in cyberspace, was absolutely horrified by the news and said in a statement: “The notion that our government would even consider doing this makes me sick to my stomach. The U.S. Constitution and The Bill of Rights are etched in stone by the hand of God as far as I'm concerned. Like the ten commandments. Would you sell the ten commandments? I think not."
Congressman Kucinich was equally candid with his criticisms, and promised to do everything in his power to stop it including, but not limited to, writing a heated editorial. “The idea of selling our nation’s most venerated documents calls into question the legitimacy of our current two-party system. Mark my words, this is a transfer of our country’s wealth and ideals to a foreign power for short term political gain, and we cannot let it stand”, he was quoted as saying.
Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, of course, praised the deal and said that this will prevent a “huge financial calamity” in the markets, and stated, “I’m encouraged that our political leaders are willing to do whatever it takes to keep the money flowing. This also solves the need to continue printing more money without any tangible assets to back it up”, he said.
The White House, and offices of Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell and House Majority leader Eric Cantor declined to comment, citing ongoing negotiations regarding the deal.
The markets rose several points on the news.