Michael Bay to Remake Kubrick Sci-fi Epic

Michael Bay to finally make Kubrick cool.HOLLYWOOD, CA – Emboldened by the success of his most recent blockbuster Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Hollywood director Michael Bay has announced his plans to remake Stanley Kubrick’s beloved sci-fi classic 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Long a favorite among film lovers, and considered a masterpiece by critics and aficionados alike, 2001: A Space Odyssey however, never seemed to catch on with mainstream audiences.

With its epic, contemplative four-act narrative structure, classical music soundtrack, and themes of human evolution with Nietzschean philosophical undertones, the ramifications of artificial intelligence, and the nature of extraterrestrial life, not to mention its almost incomprehensible psychedelic ending, the meaning of which has been the source of heated debate for decades, the film definitely lacked mass commercial appeal. 

Mr. Bay plans to change all that.

Production details have been kept tightly under wraps, but a few bits of tantalizing information has leaked out to the movie gossip community.  Foremost among the many changes is obviously the script.

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD

Originally written by Kubrick and science fiction author Arthur C. Clarke (based on his short story The Sentinel), the new version scraps the whole Dawn of Man sequence with ape-like humans in the African desert.  Instead, it jumps right to the character of Dr. Heywood Floyd visiting a U.S. outpost on the moon after scientists pick up an alien signal.  In the original, the scientists find a black monolith that seems to emit a high-pitched radio frequency.  In the newer version, the monolith is replaced with an advanced bomb-like device that explodes and wipes out everyone on the moon.

Convinced it was a trap set by the extraterrestrials, the United Nations declares that this was an act of war on mankind, and send a crack team of astronaut warriors led by two elite navy seals Dave Bowman and Frank Poole to destroy the invaders who are in the vicinity of Jupiter and headed towards Earth.  They are accompanied by an A.I. cybernetic battle-bot named HEL, because he unleashes hell on his enemies.

According to sources who leaked the material, the ending hasn’t been completed yet, but they assure us that it will include an epic space battle on and around the moons of Jupiter.  Gone are the incomprehensible visuals of strange celestial phenomena, alien landscapes, and any pretentious notions of man evolving into a star-child.  Instead, they’ll be replaced with cool-looking wormholes the aliens use for travel, and moons and planets blowing up in spectacular fashion.  Preliminary sketches of the E.T.’s resemble the cute little aliens from Close Encounters, but evil.

Unlike the original, which used primitive special effects to reproduce the moonscape and space travel, the new version promises to push the limits of CGI and 3D technology.  And true to any good Michael Bay film, the movie will be fast-paced with lots of Bay’s signature camera moves.  No boring or long, static camera shots that seem to linger on forever.  That’s one thing our source says Bay hates about the film.

“He (Michael) really wants to like the film, but he’s never been able to sit through it in its entirety.  He can’t stand filmmakers like Kubrick who move so slow.  He hopes to fix that”, our source stated.

Film buffs may scoff at the notion that someone would tamper with such a revered classic of cinema, but supporters point out that it’s time for a remake, and say that Bay is the prefect director for the job.  “Let’s face it, if Kubrick were alive today, he’d never be able to make 2001.  Bay is the future of movie-making”, another source was quoted as saying.    

The movie will begin production after Bay completes his next feature Pain & Gain, and is scheduled for a release date sometime in the summer of 2013.

Charlie Sheen is My Favorite Martian

MARTIAN SHEENLOS ANGELES - CBS announced today that they've cast Charlie Sheen in a remake of the popular television series My Favorite Martian.  Sources inside the network say they've been quietly negotiating the deal with Sheen's lawyers for the past several days, but didn't want to make any official announcement until it was finalized. 

The move is a bold one, as they were potentially facing a lawsuit by the embattled star over the shut down of Two and a Half Men, and his subsequent firing by Warner Bros. Television.  The idea was initially put forth as a way to preempt any costly litigation by the actor, which could run into the 'bazillions' and bankrupt the financially strapped network.  No word yet on how much Sheen will be paid, but sources close to the deal say it's a win/win for everyone involved.  

The original series, which also aired on CBS between 1963 - 1966, starred Ray Walston as Uncle Martin, the martian anthropologist, and Bill Bixby as Tim O'Hara, the newspaper reporter who takes the extra-terrestrial in after his spaceship crashes near Los Angeles.

In the new series, which will be produced by CBS Television Studios, Sheen plays the character of Uncle Martin, but instead of being an anthropologist, he'll be a rockstar from Mars.  Casting for the Tim O'Hara part has not been announced, but speculation has already begun that it might be Matt LeBlanc, who starred in the movie remake of another hit sci-fi series, Lost in Space.  The show is set to air in September.

My Favorite Martian was also remade as a feature film in 1999.