The Rise and Fall of Charlie Sheen: Producers Announce Replacement

HOLLYWOOD - Several actors have been floated as possible replacements for the embattled star of the sitcom, Two and a Half Men.  John Stamos, Rob Lowe, even Baywatch legend David Hasselhoff have been named as potential stand-ins, but producers have decided instead upon aging rock star, Ziggy Stardust.  "He's a jingle writer, and he's from Mars, how more bitchin' is that?", creator Chuck Lorre was quoted as saying.  "He's also an emaciated drug addict who ultimately destroys himself, so he'll fit the bill perfectly", he continued.

However, beyond the obvious cosmic kismet of finding its new star, some changes will inevitably have to be made.  For example, the setting will no longer be in Malibu, but a place called Suffragette City, and the characters of Alan and Jake will be reimagined as an evil martian and that Vader kid.  The new show will be renamed, Two and a Half Starmen.