Dog the Bounty Hunter Says He'll Find Casey Anthony

Dogging Casey AnthonyDENVER, CO -  Good news for all the Casey Anthony watchers out there, Duane “Dog” Chapman has just announced that he and his family are going to hunt down and capture Ms. Anthony for their upcoming eighth season of Dog the Bounty Hunter.

Since her release on July 17^th, the media has been in a frenzy of speculation as to the whereabouts of America’s most wanted acquitted fugitive.  Eyewitnesses claim to have spotted her from Orlando, Florida to Los Angeles, California, and everywhere in between.  Locals at a roadside diner in Rachel, Nevada claimed she came in yesterday and ordered a cheeseburger with fries, before heading out to Area 51.  Some have even speculated that she’s left the country, or planet, altogether. 

“Where the fuck is she?!”, an irate and hysterical caller asked on the show Issues with Jane Velez- Mitchell.  It's a question many frantic viewers desperately wanted answers to.  Not even her parents know of her whereabouts and, according to Anthony attorney Cheney Mason, her legal team is going to keep it that way.

“We devised numerous plans to help her avoid the media glare once she was released from jail.  And we’ve made sure that she is safe and protected.  I can assure you, nobody’s going to be able to find her”, he said in a statement.

“That sounds like a challenge to me, brah”, the 'Dog' star of the hit reality series was quoted as saying.  Shooting to notoriety after capturing serial rapist Andrew Luster (heir to the Max Factor cosmetics fortune) in Mexico, the popular show chronicles the lives of Mr. Chapman and his family as they hunt down and capture fugitives from justice.

Ms. Anthony is certainly the highest profile fugitive they’ve ever gone after, and her capture will no doubt give the show its highest ratings.  In fact, advertisers are already clamoring for a spot, some purportedly paying in upwards of $1 million for a 30 second commercial.  Those are almost Super Bowl level ad rates, and producers say they expect a similar number of viewers.

As for the certainty that she’ll be caught, the Dog was unequivocal in his answer.  “She can change her name, wear a costume, dye her hair or get plastic surgery, it don't matter, brah.  We’re gonna find her, I can promise you that.  She can run, but she can't hide”, he said.

However, anxious viewers will have to wait a few more months, as the new season doesn’t air until October on A&E.  Be sure to check your local listings or cable and satellite provider.  

Michael Bay to Remake Kubrick Sci-fi Epic

Michael Bay to finally make Kubrick cool.HOLLYWOOD, CA – Emboldened by the success of his most recent blockbuster Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Hollywood director Michael Bay has announced his plans to remake Stanley Kubrick’s beloved sci-fi classic 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Long a favorite among film lovers, and considered a masterpiece by critics and aficionados alike, 2001: A Space Odyssey however, never seemed to catch on with mainstream audiences.

With its epic, contemplative four-act narrative structure, classical music soundtrack, and themes of human evolution with Nietzschean philosophical undertones, the ramifications of artificial intelligence, and the nature of extraterrestrial life, not to mention its almost incomprehensible psychedelic ending, the meaning of which has been the source of heated debate for decades, the film definitely lacked mass commercial appeal. 

Mr. Bay plans to change all that.

Production details have been kept tightly under wraps, but a few bits of tantalizing information has leaked out to the movie gossip community.  Foremost among the many changes is obviously the script.

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD

Originally written by Kubrick and science fiction author Arthur C. Clarke (based on his short story The Sentinel), the new version scraps the whole Dawn of Man sequence with ape-like humans in the African desert.  Instead, it jumps right to the character of Dr. Heywood Floyd visiting a U.S. outpost on the moon after scientists pick up an alien signal.  In the original, the scientists find a black monolith that seems to emit a high-pitched radio frequency.  In the newer version, the monolith is replaced with an advanced bomb-like device that explodes and wipes out everyone on the moon.

Convinced it was a trap set by the extraterrestrials, the United Nations declares that this was an act of war on mankind, and send a crack team of astronaut warriors led by two elite navy seals Dave Bowman and Frank Poole to destroy the invaders who are in the vicinity of Jupiter and headed towards Earth.  They are accompanied by an A.I. cybernetic battle-bot named HEL, because he unleashes hell on his enemies.

According to sources who leaked the material, the ending hasn’t been completed yet, but they assure us that it will include an epic space battle on and around the moons of Jupiter.  Gone are the incomprehensible visuals of strange celestial phenomena, alien landscapes, and any pretentious notions of man evolving into a star-child.  Instead, they’ll be replaced with cool-looking wormholes the aliens use for travel, and moons and planets blowing up in spectacular fashion.  Preliminary sketches of the E.T.’s resemble the cute little aliens from Close Encounters, but evil.

Unlike the original, which used primitive special effects to reproduce the moonscape and space travel, the new version promises to push the limits of CGI and 3D technology.  And true to any good Michael Bay film, the movie will be fast-paced with lots of Bay’s signature camera moves.  No boring or long, static camera shots that seem to linger on forever.  That’s one thing our source says Bay hates about the film.

“He (Michael) really wants to like the film, but he’s never been able to sit through it in its entirety.  He can’t stand filmmakers like Kubrick who move so slow.  He hopes to fix that”, our source stated.

Film buffs may scoff at the notion that someone would tamper with such a revered classic of cinema, but supporters point out that it’s time for a remake, and say that Bay is the prefect director for the job.  “Let’s face it, if Kubrick were alive today, he’d never be able to make 2001.  Bay is the future of movie-making”, another source was quoted as saying.    

The movie will begin production after Bay completes his next feature Pain & Gain, and is scheduled for a release date sometime in the summer of 2013.

Jesus a No Show at Apocapalooza

Fans of Apocapalooza were disappointed by the news that Jesus would not be headlining this year's event as promised.

According to His spokesentity, the Holy Ghost, He was attacked and crucified again while on tour in the 'Goldilocks Zone' of the Milky Way.  "He's fine, but it takes three days for ressurection, so He'll unfortunately have to miss this year's event", the Holy Ghost said in a statement.

Though jubilant to hear that other planetary souls will now be saved, the last minute cancellation left organizers here on Earth without their main attraction.  Unable to secure a suitable replacement, organizers made the tough decision to cancel the event altogether.  "We had a lot of good opening acts lined up, but without Christ, we really didn't feel the event was worth putting on", organizer Harold Camping said.  "After all, this was supposed to be His big comeback, and without Him well... what's the point", he continued.  Organizers did promise however, that Jesus would attend next year's Apocapalooza on December 21st.

Ticket holders can get a full refund of the purchase price, minus a transaction fee or, if they wish, hold on to them for discounted admission into next year's event.        

Actor Who Played Osama bin Laden Unhappy His Character Killed Off

HOLLYWOOD – In the wake of the bin Laden killing, the actor who portrayed him is speaking publicly for the first time about the sudden demise of his infamous character.

Timothy Osmond (no relation to Donny & Marie), who played the charismatic and villainous bin Laden on the soap The War That Will Not End in Our Lifetime, says he was surprised that the producers decided to kill him off, stating that he didn’t know they were going to do so until he got the script on the day of shooting.

With most soap operas on the network chopping block these days, news of the death of one of its biggest characters may spell not only the end of a storyline on one of the most popular series on TV, but an end to the genre itself. 

We spoke with Mr. Osmond by phone earlier today to get his reaction.  Below is an edited transcript of that conversation.

Mcpocalypse News:  Thank you for talking to us today.

Timothy Osmond:  My pleasure.

MN: When did you first realize they were going to kill off the bin Laden character?

TO:  Funny you should ask that, because I was just talking to the producers a week earlier about how bin Laden would be releasing another videotape, calling for jihad against what’s happening in Libya, and getting ready for the anniversary of 9/11.

MN:  So they were thinking about doing something big to mark the ten year anniversary.

TO: Yeah.  So, it totally surprised me when I got the script on Sunday and it said, “shot in the head by sniper team.”

MN:  What was your response?

TO:  Well, I didn’t believe it at first.  I thought they were playing some kind of joke on me, you know?.  And I went up to Bob (director Bob Dobbson), and basically said, ‘what’s this all about, man?’

MN:  What did he say?

TO:  Well, at first he couldn’t look me in the eye, ‘cause I think he knew about it for awhile, but he told me that the producers were worried that the character had run its course and that they decided the best thing to do was kill him off.

MN:  So, you think they planned this for a long time.

TO:  Oh yeah.  I mean, in soaps, the writers work out the plotlines months in advance, so they totally knew it was going to happen.

MN:  Why do you think they led you to believe otherwise?

TO:  Well, to be fair, they probably did have these alternate scenarios, but at the end of the day, they chose to go with killing him off.  I think they didn’t let me in on it, because well… I don’t think they were a hundred percent sure.

MN:  But why kill him off now.  Wasn’t the character still popular with the audience?

TO:  I don’t know.  That’s a good question.  I still get the same amount of fan/hate mail, but I think because the character was more in the background, a figure who became less and less visible, but who’s shadow still loomed large, I think they just decided that it would be better to move on to a new villain rather than bring me back out again as the main antagonist.

MN:  The character had flatlined, so to speak.

TO:  (laughs) In their minds I think so, yeah.  Personally, I think he had a lot more to do, but then I’m not the one who makes these decisions.  I’m just the actor.

MN:  I heard somewhere that you said you didn’t like the way the actual death was scripted.

TO:  Yeah, that’s true.  I mean, it was… I don’t know… kinda’ ridiculous really.  At first, they had me dying in this bloody shootout, where I was supposed to use my wife as a human shield or something like that and beg for my life…

MN:  Portraying him as a coward.

TO:  Yeah, exactly.  When I read it, I said no way would my character use some woman as a human shield.  He’d die as a warrior.  So, I objected to that.

MN:  So they changed it?

TO:  Well, there was a lot of debate back and forth about how the battle would go down, would he be a martyr, etc. ... in the end, they just decided I’d get caught by surprise and that’d be that.

MN:  No guns a blazin’ or big firefight.

TO:  No, just boom you’re dead.

MN:  Kind of anti-climatic.

TO:  I think so.  I mean, for the world’s most evil terrorist mastermind, I think it was a lazy way to end it. 

MN:  Why do you think they chose to do it that way?

TO:   I was told it was due to budgetary constraints.

MN:  They didn’t have the money.

TO:  Exactly.  They didn’t have the budget for a big action sequence, so they just wrote this lame ending.

MN: I heard that they also filmed your character's memorial and burial at sea. 

TO: Yeah, we filmed all that, but again due to budgetary and time constraints, that scene ended up on the editing floor.

MN:  You know, this brings up an interesting question.  With all the soaps being canceled these days, maybe all this budgetary talk means this one’s on the out as well.

TO:  I hope not, but that is a real possibility.  It’s true that we just don’t have the audience we did ten years ago.

MN:  You’re death did help boost the ratings though.  I read somewhere that it was one of the most watched episodes in history, second only to the Luke & Laura wedding on General Hospital.

TO:  That’s true.  I know the show had it’s biggest audience ever.  I’m sure the sponsors were happy.

MN:  Do you think they’ll ever bring you back?  Like, say it was all a dream or something like that?

TO: (laughs)  I wouldn’t mind, but no, I don’t think that’ll ever happen.  Although, anything’s possible.  But I would say that we’ve probably seen the end of Osama bin Laden.

MN:  What are you going to do now?  Any projects coming up?

TO:  Not really.  My agent’s been sending me scripts, but I haven’t seen anything that interests me too much yet.  Although, we’ll see.  Right now, I’m just going to take some time off and relax.  Spend some time with the family.  Do some traveling.

MN:  Do you get recognized a lot?

TO:  Fortunately, I don’t actually.  Although I’m tall, without the beard, turban, make-up and all that, people don’t usually come up to me and say, “aren’t you bin Laden?”, so it’s nice. I get to blend in so to speak. 

MN:  In a way that’s good.  Especially when you’re playing such a evil character.

TO:  Yeah, people have a tendency to identify you with the character you play, so I’m glad I can be a bit anonymous that way.

MN:  Appreciate you taking the time to speak with us today.

TO:  You’re welcome.

Sammy Hagar Claims He Was Abducted By Aliens

Admits that after flying around in their spaceship that he, "just couldn't drive 55 anymore."  Says the implant they put in his body was also found to made of 'Heavy Metal'.