Crime

Casey Anthony Announces She's Pregnant

2011-07-07T07:27:54Z

CRAZY ANTHONYPromises to have the child, as she doesn't believe in abortion. That would be murder.

Dominique Strauss-Kahn Pleads 'Not Guilty'

2011-05-17T01:30:49Z

Defense attorney says that as IMF leader his client only rapes nations, not individuals.

Arizona Shooter Cast as Uncle Fester

2011-01-15T09:13:00Z

DENVER, CO - Although the criminal case against accused gunman, Jared Lee Loughner, is just beginning, one thing is for certain, he's going to prison. And if the administrators over at the infamous Supermax facility in Fremont County, Colorado have anything to say about it, he'll be doing his time with them, where sources say he's already being considered for a part in their prison production of The Addams Family musical.

Based on the popular cartoon and television series of a macabre American family, the musical, currently running on Broadway, has been rumored to be in the works for months now, and will be produced using high profile prisoners incarcerated in the Federal Bureau of Prisons system.

They're creepy and they're kooky, mysterious and spooky, they're altogether ooky, The Addams Family.

Zacarias Moussaoui, the notorious 20th Hijacker, has already been cast in the lead as Gomez. Ted Kaczynski, the Unabomber, has agreed to grow his hair out to play Cousin Itt, the largely incomprehensible character with a reportedly high IQ. The role of Morticia, however, has been a contentious one, with both Ramzi Yousef and Richard "Shoe Bomber" Reid vying for the part, which will, of course, be done in drag. The loser gets to play Grandmama.

The production will be held at the aforementioned ADX Florence in Colorado, home to all of the aforementioned inmates, including Terry Nichols, who'll be donning a wig as Wednesday. Lesser known inmates will fill out the rest of the cast, with a surprise guest star in a cameo as Thing. Edmund "Big Ed" Kemper, the notorious 6'9" serial killer is being brought in from a facility in Vacaville, CA as an artist-in-residence to play the coveted role of manservant Lurch.

Calling the newly formed acting troupe, The Life & Death Players, the brainchild behind this theatrical experiment is the prison's warden, Lone Weary, along with his wife Harriet, a local community theater director. "This is a great opportunity for these men to forget who and where they are and instead immerse themselves in the world of make believe", mused Mrs. Weary.

Their house is a museum. When people come to see 'em, they really are a screa-um. The Addams Family.

Plans are in place to build a small, but tightly secured, auditorium off the main complex to stage the musical, with the goal of housing future productions. The costs are being covered by the Bureau of Prison's discretionary fund. "We're hoping the musical is a success, so that we can put up more plays and tour them through the entire penal system", Mr. Weary was quoted as saying. "We're known as the 'Alcatraz of the Rockies', which is fine, but hopefully we can also be known as the 'Broadway of Prisons' as well", he added.

Asked how they got the idea to cast the Arizona shooter in the first place, Mrs. Weary explains, "We were having such difficulty casting the role of Uncle Fester until I saw Mr. Loughner's mug shot on the news. The resemblance was remarkable, and that's when I knew we had our man." David 'Son of Sam' Berkowitz and John Lennon's killer Mark David Chapman were both previously being considered for the part. "We were worried that we might have to bring in another guest artist, and we weren't sure we had the budget for it", she continued.

As for whether or not Mr. Loughner, or any of them for that matter, can actually sing and dance remains to be seen. They say that comedy equals tragedy plus time, maybe in this case it'll prove to be true, both figuratively and literally.

Author Who Penned "How To" Guide for Pedophiles to Write New Book

2010-12-23T04:02:00Z

Phillip Greaves, author of, "The Pedophile's Guide to Love and Pleasure: A Child-Lover's Code of Conduct" was arrested Monday. His next book will be on how to guarantee you'll be sodomized in prison.

US Inmate John Duty Executed in Vet's Office

2010-12-19T04:05:00Z

A shortage of sodium thiopental, the kinder, gentler drug for death row inmates in the US, forced the state of Oklahoma to use the animal euthanasia drug pentobarbital so that, "he could die like the damned dirty dog he was."

God Confirms Intervention in Florida School Board Shooting

2010-12-17T08:39:00Z

PANAMA CITY, FL. - School superintendent Bill Husfelt, who survived a gunman's vendetta during a board meeting on Tuesday, claims God's protection when suspect Clay Duke opened fire on him and his colleagues. "God was standing in front of me, and I'll go to my grave believing that", he was quoted as saying.

Fortunately for Mr. Husfelt, he won't have to wait until his he's six feet under to find out, as the Supreme Being sent out a divine press release today confirming that He did, in fact, intervene on the board member's behalf.

"I, the Lord God Almighty, would just like to say that I was in attendance at Tuesday's board meeting, and that I did deflect the bullets aimed at Mr. Husfelt by making sure the shooter couldn't hit the side of a barn even if it was right in front of him", the press release revealed.

The good Lord then went on to apologize for all the other unlucky souls He didn't stand in front of that day and did die stating, "I would also like to apologize for not intervening on behalf of everyone else who died violently today, but contrary to popular belief, I cannot be everywhere at once."

God did not say why He chose to be at that particular meeting, but did hint that it was a slow day in the war zones and ghettos. An angelic spokesman added, "He wanted to relax, and chose to do so with the minutiae of technology in the classroom and the problems of head lice." God went on to emphasize, however, that He got to 'unkill' two birds with one stone by also, "saving that stupid woman from trying to disarm the shooter with her handbag." So it wasn't like He totally took the day off.

Unbelievers argued that God singled out Mr. Husfelt for divine protection because of his blind faith. "God always plays favorites, especially for those who believe in him", quipped Norma Headily of the American Athiest Society. "This has been going on forever, and it's prejudicial plain and simple. Equal protection should apply to all human beings, regardless of whether or not they believe their faith entitles them to VIP access to some sort of endless family reunion in the 'afterlife', which is an oxymoron by the way and, quite frankly, sounds more like hell to me", she continued.

No mention of whether or not God also helped the security guard aim as straight as much as He rendered the suspect's crooked, however, He did say that Mr. Duke, despite being mentally unstable, poor and desperate, would probably not go to Heaven as, "he sinned against me by committing suicide."

God went on to state that he would convene a panel of saints to review Mr. Duke's status before making any final judgments.

'Wannabe' Terrorist Punk'd in Portland

2010-11-28T08:42:00Z

FAKE!PORTLAND, OR - Taking their cue from Ashton Kutcher, the FBI staged an elaborate prank on a Corvallis, OR teenager who thought he was part of a Jihadist plot to kill Christmas.

Mohamed Osman Mohamud, 19, a Somali-born U.S. citizen, mistakenly believed he was in contact with terrorists overseas who's stated goal is to kill followers of, "The Great Satan Claus." Little did he know that his contacts were, in fact, a band of merry FBI pranksters, a hilarious and secretive comedy troupe in the Counterterrorism Division. "We like to think of them as the Funny Bureau of Investigation", said Assistant Director James McJunkin.

The gag was the culmination of a long-term undercover ruse, at great taxpayer expense, in which the FBI practical jokers even went so far as to help build and detonate a 'test bomb' in a remote Oregon location to make it all look real.

"Mohamud the Moron, as we like to call him, just never had a clue", giggled one of the pranksters, who asked that we not reveal his identity due to ongoing practical jokes... err, investigations. It's a gag order.

For his part, Mohamud never knew what hit him until the dummy bomb failed to explode after using his cell phone to trigger it, at which point, the pranksters sent him a text saying, "you just got Punk'd!"

The unwitting dupe was quoted as saying, "Ashton Akbar!", upon discovering he'd been had.

For their part, the Portland police stated that, "the prank was real, but the public was never in any danger, real or otherwise", and then apologized for ruining the holiday cheer and, ironically, fulfilling the so-called terrorist's goal of putting on a "spectacular show."

Mayor Sam Adams, sipping on his favorite holiday porter added, "Mischievously clever federal, state and local law enforcement investigators caught a gullible wannabe tonight. The plot to bomb our city was fake but the idiot who tried to pull it off was as real as reality TV gets."

No word on whether or not the pranksters will try to pitch their idea to television producers (think Punk'd meets 24), but sources tell us the show would probably be a hit, as there are countless number of mentally ill to exploit for ratings.