Former Classmate Swears He Remembers Obama Saying, 'I’m Going to Grow Up and Be President Someday'

Obama knew he'd be president as early as kindergarten.HONOLULU, HI – Potentially damning new evidence has emerged to support the ‘birthers’ claim that Barack Obama’s presidency was somehow a decades-long conspiracy involving the CIA, Muslims, leftist 60’s radicals, and community organizer Saul Alinsky.

A former classmate, who wishes to remain anonymous at this time, says he attended kindergarten with Obama, known then simply as “Barry”, at the Noelani Elementary School in Honolulu in 1966-67, and swears he heard him tell the entire class that he would be President of the United States someday.

“I distinctly remember him saying that”, the former classmate stated.

“I remember it, because it was one of those days where the teacher asked everyone in class to say what they wanted to be when they grew up.  And everyone was saying stuff like policeman, fireman, doctor, you know, normal things like that.  When she got to Barry, he stood up and smiled and said, ‘I’m going to be president someday’.  We all laughed, because, you know at the time, a black kid growing up to be president of the United States someday was impossible”, he continued.

After being reprimanded by their teacher for making fun of their classmate’s seemingly impossible ambitions, the one-time kindergartner stated that she then went on to use it as a teachable moment to talk about how anyone, even a black kid from Hawaii, could grow up and be president.

“You know, she definitely let us know that it was not okay.  We all sort of felt bad after that, because we all liked Barry.  He was definitely a cool kid”, he stated.

He also remembered Obama as a quiet, polite and well-spoken.

“He had an air of confidence about him, but it wasn’t like he was arrogant or anything.  He definitely stood out, that’s for sure.  To be honest, looking back now, I’m not surprised he became president”, he continued.

The former classmate also went on to confirm the rumors that the young Obama was always drawing pictures of elephants, giraffes, and lions, a claim which many birthers have used as further evidence of Obama’s African origin.

Jerome Corsi, best-selling author of Capricorn One: NASA, JFK, and the Great "Moon Landing" Cover-Up, and arguably the movement’s most outspoken proponent, has written a book on the controversy called, Where’s Your REAL Birth Certificate, Boy?, was quoted as saying the story was yet another tantalizing piece of the puzzle regarding Obama’s murky past.  He also went on to say that the anecdote about the pictures wasn’t necessarily the ‘smoking gun’ proof of Obama’s Kenyan birth but, when taken with all the other evidence, very compelling.

“First, we had the story about the retired U.S. Postal Service carrier who delivered mail to the Ayers in a Chicago suburb in the late 80’s and early 90’s and claims to have met a young Obama in front of their home, who signed a sworn affidavit that Obama told him, long before he ever got into politics, that he was going to become president of the United States”, Mr. Corsi was quoted as saying.

“And now, we have this story that Obama was telling his kindergarten classmates in the late 60's, long before he ever reached puberty, that he was going to be president of the United States.  When you take everything together, and you contemplate the fact that he was also drawing detailed pictures of the African savannah at 5 years old, the evidence is just overwhelming that he’s a foreign born usurper who’s been groomed since childhood by sinister anti-American forces for his future role as a puppet of the New World Order”, he continued.

As for whether or not his former classmate thinks this story is evidence of a larger plot, he doesn’t discount it, as he distinctly remembers Obama being picked up from school every day by a couple of men in dark suits, hats, and sunglasses.

“The best way I can describe them is the way people talk about the Men in Black.  Who knows, maybe Obama really is a time-traveling Martian.  Weirder things have happened, right?”

Decorated Dinosaur Eggs Found Near Jesus’ Tomb

JERUSALEM – A recent discovery by two American children on holiday with their families have archeologists and biblical scholars hopping with excitement.  

Authorities with the Hebraic Institute for Christian Out of Place Artifacts (HICOOPS) say the children have found what appear to be petrified colored dinosaur eggs in caves just a few kilometers outside East Jerusalem.

The area, well known for the recent discovery of the controversial Talpiot Tomb, better known as The Lost Tomb of Jesus, is frequented by tourists from all over the world.  The children, whose identities are being withheld until final confirmation from the scientific and religious communities, were purportedly playing around the caverns when they made their discovery.

The fossilized eggs, which measure approximately 13cm in length and 9cm in diameter, are painted with different designs and symbols, many depicting several species of giant Lepus common to the region.  All of the eggs were surprisingly well preserved in the small limestone caverns, an ideal environment say geologists to protect them from the harsh desert elements and allow them to harden undisturbed.  A total of 13 eggs so far have been found at the site.

“It certainly looks like a large furry thumper visited the Holy Land 2,000 years ago”, joked Cam Jameson, lead archaeologist who was first to study the find.  “And if confirmed, we’ll certainly have to rewrite the entire history of the Easter tradition”, he continued.  

Though fertility rites date back to antiquity, the current traditions of rabbits hiding eggs for Christian children to find dates back a mere 200 years to 17^th century Germany.  When compared to this most recent finding, a couple of centuries seems like yesterday.  

Scientists from the University of Oxford using radiocarbon dating have reportedly estimated the age of the eggs to be somewhere between 15 B.C.E. and 150 C.E., which would put them squarely in the earliest days of Christianity.  

“This is really very exciting”, said Harvey Lagomorph, one of the area supervisors for the archaeological dig.  “To think that early Christians were hiding colored dinosaur eggs around the time of Jesus' crucifixion just boggles the mind”, he added.

Indeed, like the Dead Sea Scrolls, scholars say the discovery of the eggs, if confirmed, will force a reexamination of early Christianity.  Many admit that the discovery may upend some long-held cherished beliefs.  Others say it only reaffirms their faith in the Easter Bunny.

To quote Paul in his Epistle of the Three Hares, “And if the bunny bring not baskets filled with goodies, then is our preaching in vain, and your faith is also in vain.”

Regardless of which side of the patch one might fall on, researchers say they promise to leave no stone/egg unturned in their quest to find the truth.

Whatever that might be.      

CIA and State Department Issue Joint Apology Over Kony2012 Fiasco

CIA Director David Petraeus apologizing for Kony 2012.WASHINGTON DC – Due to all the controversy surrounding the public meltdown of government mind-control victim Jason Russell, Kony2012 producer and co-founder of the NWO front charity Invisible Children, both the CIA and U.S. State Department have been forced to issue an apology for thoroughly and irrevocably screwing up what promised to be a successful psyops campaign to mobilize the gullible and brainwashed youth of America into supporting more military intervention in Africa.

The statement, released today, reads in part:

“A joint covert operation between the CIA and State Department to garner political support for invading Uganda and stealing its valuable resources was exposed, both literally and figuratively, when the primary target's programming went totally haywire due to an egregious misstep by his inexperienced handlers.  In spook-speak, we refer to incidents like these as state-sponsored FUBAR’s, which unfortunately happen from time to time when trying to influence the dumbed-down masses.  We would first like to sincerely apologize to all those American idiots who fell for the blatantly obvious propaganda. Secondly, we'd like to apologize to all our loyal illuminati-controlled celebrities who publicly embarrassed themselves endorsing said propaganda.  And finally, and most importantly, we'd like to extend our sincerest apologies to Jason Russell and his family for inadvertently triggering his subconsciously planted messages to completely self-destruct.  This was to happen after his services were no longer needed, so clearly, this was not the timeframe we intended.  We hope that his deprogramming goes smoothly, and that he comes out of the closet… err, we mean hospital, with minimal psychological and/or emotional damage.  Our bad.”

Asked exactly what missteps his ‘handlers’ made, Assistant Secretary of State for Public Affairs and part-time gumshoe, Mike Hammer, stated that sophisticated propaganda and brainwashing techniques utilized by the intelligence community were a matter of national security.

CIA Director, General David Petraeus concurred, and added that tricks of the trade were classified under the hocus pocus code of secrecy and, therefore, cannot be revealed lest they ruin the illusion for everyone who still believes in the magic of democracy.

However, several insiders have stated off the record that it definitely had something to do with Catcher in the Rye, and a Richard Simmons workout video from 1984.

Both government agencies went on to bemoan the fact that, unlike the good old days of the 20^th century, when they could more easily control the message, sensitive psychological operations like these don’t go as smoothly as planned with the goddamned “Inter-tubes” around to immediately call them on their bullshit. 

Indeed, as of today Kony2012 is attracting few supporters, and interest is definitely waning, as the viral campaign is quickly being eclipsed by videos of a clearly unhinged Mr. Russell butt-naked in broad daylight, pounding the pavement with his fists, snapping his fingers, and prancing up and down the sidewalk like a burned-out former member of a 1990's boy band.

As for the whereabouts of Mr. Russell's anti-christ, Joseph Kony, little information was provided.  However, through his agent, the former choir boy and dancer-turned-dictator issued a brief statement thanking Mr. Russell and the shadow government for making him the 'most famous criminal in the world'. 

He also stated that he would eventually say more, but was too busy right now negotiating a contract for a new reality TV series based on his exploits, tentatively titled: Criminal Apprentice, AFRICA, and shooting a video for the hit song: "Bad Boy, Bad Boy, What Uganda Do When They Come For You", set to be released in April.

Rejected Mao 2012 poster before finally settling on Kony.