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    Wednesday
    Sep262012

    Buddhist Extremists Attack U.S. Embassies with Zen Meditation

    Buddhist extremists quietly rioting near U.S. Embassy in NepalKATHMANDU, NEPAL – Anger over the blasphemous depiction of their spiritual teacher, Gautama Buddha, has sparked intense, but quiet contemplation across much of East Asia, putting U.S. Embassies in the region on alert.

    The source of the quiet contemplation seems to be a recent image from the American satirical website, The Onion, which depicts the ‘awakened one’ as a fat and happy pervert who enjoys being anally fisted by the horny Hindu deity Ganesha, while engaged in a sexually depraved orgy that includes Jesus and Moses. 

    Though the image has been up for over a week now, it wasn’t until a monk from a remote monastery in the mountainous region of Kashmir posted the image to his Facebook page that followers of the middle way suddenly took notice.

    The image soon spread to other monasteries all over Asia, provoking Buddhists to immediately call for calm, measured breathing, and urging all devotees to assume the lotus position and begin meditating immediately.

    The most brazen attack of zazen occurred at the U.S. Embassy in Nepal, where officials say they suddenly felt a oneness with everyone and everything in the universe.  Worried that the attack would bring about an even deeper state of mindful awareness, security personnel whisked officials away to a safe house at an undisclosed location.

    U.S. Ambassador Peter W. Bohdi issued a statement saying that he was fine and that, although he didn’t achieve a state of Nirvana, he better understands that we are all spiritual beings who must eliminate desire and earthly pleasures to attain greater happiness. 

    The U.S. State Department condemned the attacks, however, they blamed the writers of The Onion for inflaming the passions of Buddhists all over the world and putting America’s karmic future in jeopardy.

    Secretary of State Hillary Clinton issued a statement regarding the attacks:

    “I condemn in the strongest terms the mass meditations on our mission in Kathmandu today.  As we work to secure our personnel and facilities, we have confirmed that one our State Department officers was kōan’d.  However, we now have reason to doubt this report.  We send our thoughts and prayers out into the great void in the hope that we can someday solve this puzzling contradiction.

    This evening, I called His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama to coordinate additional support to protect Americans from having an existential crisis contemplating the endless cycle of life and death.  The Dalai Lama offered his understanding and pledged his full support for practicing Mayahana correctly to avoid any further suffering.  Americans should not have to live in fear of being reincarnated as a bug or toad, or some other such lowly creature.

    Some have sought to justify this civilized and rational behavior as a response to inflammatory material posted on the Internet.  The United States deplores any effort that might bring about further enlightenment through the use of humor, satire, or ridicule.  Our commitment to both freedom of speech and religious tolerance goes back to the very beginning of our nation.  But let me be clear without any hint of irony: There is never any justification for peaceful, thought-provoking acts of this kind.”

    Meanwhile, leaders from several Buddhist and Daoist sects have called on the U.N. and the international community to criminalize the gratuitous use of war, fighting, and threats of violence to solve mankind's differences.  The comments put them squarely at odds with their Judeo-Christian and Muslim counterparts, who instead seem hell-bent on wiping each other off the face of the Earth.    

    Tuesday
    Sep112012

    NIST Report on 9/11 World Trade Center Collapse Finally Wins Coveted Hugo Award

    CHICAGO, IL – Chicon 7, the 70th World Science Fiction Convention gave the National Institute of Standards and Technology (NIST) a special Hugo Award for its final report on the collapse of World Trade Center buildings 1, 2, and 7.

    Published on October 26th, 2005, the report has become a cult classic for science fiction and fantasy buffs, with its physics-defying descriptions of how steel skyscrapers can collapse symmetrically at freefall speed and pulverize in mid-air due to the magical “pancaking effect” from weakened support columns.

    Richard Gage, director of the Architects and Engineers Science Fiction Fan Club, presented the award to two of the report’s authors, who accepted the retro-looking rocket via satellite with their faces hidden and voices altered for fear of being assassinated by the CIA.  They did, however, thank their editor Dr. Shyam Sunder, as well as the taxpaying fans for supporting federally funded works of fiction.

    In his speech to Worldcon attendees, Mr. Gage acknowledged the importance of honoring government sponsored fantasy in helping to fabricate important myths for the masses. 

    “Imaginative speculation is the hallmark of any great work of science fiction, and the NIST report is no exception.  And that is why we recognize it here tonight”, he said.

    Mr. Gage also went on to say that sometimes what’s not said in a work of art is often just as important as what is said.  In the case of the NIST Report, things left up to the readers imagination include: the failure to offer any explanation as to how jet fuel and office fires could have caused molten steel to burn at nearly 2800ºF for weeks after the event, or why witnesses and first responders say they saw and heard explosions, or how multi-ton steel girders were ejected laterally up to 600ft. away, or why nanothermite was discovered in WTC dust samples, or why thousands of experts in demolition, architecture, engineering, physics, etc. etc. don’t believe a fucking word of the report, or…

    But no matter.  What’s important is that the American people continue to buy it. 

    Previous Hugo Awards for government sponsored fiction have been given to The Warren Commission, and the 9/11 Commission, which also won satire of the decade.

    NIST officials were unavailable for comment, however, sources say they’re glad the report is finally getting the recognition it deserves.  

    Thursday
    Sep062012

    EXCLUSIVE: Samuel L. Jackson to Speak at Democratic National Convention

    One Bad MotherfuckerCHARLOTTE, NC – Looking to upstage Clint Eastwood’s performance at the Republican National Convention last week, Democratic leaders revealed that actor Samuel L. Jackson, star of such films as Pulp Fiction, Jackie Brown, Unbreakable, and Snakes on a Plane, has agreed to appear at the Democratic Convention as a surprise speaker to introduce President Obama. 

    Mcpocalypse News was given a leaked transcript of the speech he will purportedly give Thursday night, which includes the appearance of a special guest.  Below is the text of that speech:

    PRESIDENT OBAMA’S SPEECH ON THE ASSASINATION OF OSAMA BIN LADEN AS READ AND PERFORMED BY SAMUEL L. JACKSON  

    Good evening. Tonight, I can report to the American people and to the world that the United States has conducted an Avengers Initiative that killed Osama bin Laden, the leader of al Qaeda, and the motherfucker who's responsible for the murder of thousands of innocent men, women, and children.

    It was nearly 10 years ago that a bright September day was darkened by the worst attack on the American people in our history. The images of 9/11 are seared into our national memory -- hijacked planes cutting through a cloudless September sky; the Twin Towers collapsing to the ground; black smoke billowing up from the Pentagon; the wreckage of Flight 93 in Shanksville, Pennsylvania, where the actions of some serious bad ass motherfuckers said to themselves, “Enough is enough!  I’ve had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!”, and saved even more heartbreak and destruction.

    On September 11, 2001, in our time of grief, the American people came together. We offered some brothers a hand, and we offered the wounded our blood. We reaffirmed our ties to each other, and our love of community and country. On that day, no matter where we came from, what God we prayed to, or what race or ethnicity we were, we were united as some seriously pissed off motherfuckers.

    So, we resolved to protect our nation and seriously fuck those up who committed this vicious attack and bring balance back to the force.  We quickly learned that the 9/11 attacks were carried out by some serious assholes who go by the name al Qaeda -- an organization headed by the biggest goddamned asshole of all Osama bin Laden, which had openly declared war on the United States and was committed to killing innocents in our country and around the globe. And so we went medieval on their ass to protect our citizens, our friends, and our allies.

    Over the last 10 years, thanks to the tireless and heroic work of our bad ass motherfuckers in the military, we've made great strides in that effort. We've disrupted terrorist attacks and strengthened our defense. In Afghanistan, we removed the ragheads who gave these terrorist motherfuckers safe haven and support. And around the globe, we worked with our friends and allies to capture, torture the shit out of, and kill scores of these motherfuckers, including several who were a part of the 9/11 plot.

    Yet this motherfucker bin Laden avoided capture and escaped across the Afghan border into Pakistan. Meanwhile, al Qaeda continued to operate from along that border and operate through its affiliates across the world.

    Well, that shit ain’t gonna fly, you dig?

    So shortly after taking office, I directed Leon Panetta, the director of the CIA, to make the killing or capturing of this motherfucker the TOP priority of our war against al Qaeda, even as we continued our broader efforts to disrupt, dismantle, and generally fuck their shit up. 

    Then, last August, after years of painstaking work by our intelligence community, I was briefed on a possible lead to the motherfucker, and I basically told them I don't wanna hear about no motherfuckin' ifs.  I said all I wanna hear from your ass is, we found the motherfucker. Anyway, it took many months to run this thread to ground. I met repeatedly with my Avengers Initiative team as we developed more information about the possibility that we had finally located his ass hiding within a compound deep inside of Pakistan. Finally, last week, I determined that we had enough information to take action, and authorized operation “Time to Kill the Motherfucker”.   

    So, today, at my direction, the United States launched a targeted operation against that compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan. A small team of bad ass motherfuckers carried out the operation with extraordinary courage and capability. No Americans were harmed. They took care to avoid civilian casualties.

    (Jackson holds up an AK-47)

    I made sure everyone was equipped with an AK-47.  The very best there is.  When you absolutely, positively got to kill every motherfuckin’ terrorist in the room, accept no substitutes.  We had a bunch of other high-tech shit, but I don’t want to bore you with all the details.  Suffice it to say, they got the job done.

    For over two decades, bin Laden has been al Qaeda's leader and symbol, and has continued to plot attacks against our country and our friends and allies. The death of this motherfucker marks the most significant achievement to date in our nation's effort to defeat the tyranny of evil men. 

    Yet his death does not mark the end of our effort. There's no doubt that these motherfuckers will continue to pursue attacks against us. We must -- and we will -- remain vigilant at home and abroad.

    The American people did not choose this fight. They brought that shit to us.  Maybe we didn’t start it, but we gonna end the motherfucker.  Americans understand vengeance.  As a country, we will never tolerate motherfucking terrorists threatening us, nor stand idly by when our brothers have been killed. We will be relentless in defense of our citizens and our friends and allies. We will be true to the values that make us who we are. And on nights like this one, we can say to those families who have lost loved ones to al Qaeda's terror: Justice has been done.

    (Gestures to empty chair next to the podium)

    I’d like to end this presentation tonight by recreating a scene from Pulp Fiction, with the ghost of bin Laden and his cohorts in the place of Brett and his friends.

    (John Travolta enters stage right and joins him)  Loud Applause.

    (Jackson and Travolta address the empty chair)

    Jackson: Hey kids! How you boys doin'?   Hey, keep chillin'. You know who we are? We're associates of your business partner the Central Intelligence Agency.  You do remember your business partner don't you? Let me take a wild guess here. You're Osama bin Laden, right?  I thought so. You remember your business partner the Central Intelligence Agency, don't you, Osama?  (short pause) Good. Looks like me an Vincent caught you boys at breakfast. Sorry about that. Whatcha havin'? (short pause) Falafel patties! The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast. What kind of falafel patties?  (short pause)  No, no no, where'd you get 'em? Habibi's? Jihadi in the Box? Falafel Hut? Where? (short pause)  The Big Baba Ghannouj. That's that Pakistani joint. I hear they got some tasty falafels. I ain't never had one myself. How are they?  (short pause)  Mind if I try one of yours? This is yours here, right?

    (Jackson pantomimes picking up a falafel patty and takes a bite)

    Mmm-mmmm. That is a tasty falafel. Vincent, ever have a Baba Ghannouj?

    (Travolta shakes his head)

    Travolta: Ain't hungry.

    Jackson:  Well, if you like falafels give 'em a try sometime. I can't usually get 'em myself because my girlfriend's on the paleo diet, which pretty much makes me paleo. But I do love the taste of a good legume. Mm-mm-mm. You know what they call a falafel and hummus in America?  (short pause)  No?  Tell 'em, Vincent.

    Travolta: Al-Qaeda.

    Jackson:  Al-Qaeda!  You know why they call it that?  (short pause)  Check out the big brain on bin Laden! You're a smart motherfucker. That's right. Cause it's anti-American. What's in this?  You mind if I have some of your tasty beverage to wash this down?  (short pause, pantomimes taking a sip)  Ah, hit the spot.  You, sheik yerbouti, you know why we're here? Why don't you tell my man Vincent where you got the shit hid at?  (suddenly, to another imaginary terrorist)  I don't remember askin' you a Goddamn thing! (beat) You were saying?  In the cupboard?

    (Travolta walks to an imaginary cupboard, and pantomimes removing briefcase)

    Jackson: We happy?  Vincent! We happy?

    Travolta: Yeah, we happy.

    Jackson:  What’s my name?  My name's Pitt. And your ass ain't talkin' your way out of this shit.

    (Jackson mimics listening to bin Laden, then suddenly fires a gun at another imaginary terrorist in the room)

    Jackson: I'm sorry, did I break your concentration? I didn't mean to do that. Please, continue, you were saying something about best intentions. What's the matter? Oh, you were finished! Well, allow me to retort. What does Uncle Sam look like?  (short pause)  What country are you from? (beat) “What" ain't no country I've ever heard of. They speak English in What?  (beat) English, motherfucker, do you speak it?  Then you know what I'm sayin'!  Describe what Uncle Sam looks like!  Say 'what' again. Say 'what' again, I dare you, I double dare you motherfucker, say what one more Goddamn time!  (short pause)  Uh huh.  Go on… Does he look like a bitch?

    (Jackson shoots bin Laden’s ghost in the empty chair)

    DOES HE LOOK LIKE A BITCH?  Then why you try to fuck him like a bitch?  Yes you did. Yes you did! You tried to fuck him. And Uncle Sam don't like to be fucked by anybody except Mrs. Uncle Sam.  You ever read the Koran?  There’s this passage I got memorized.  Ezekiel 25:17  Seems appropriate for this situation.  "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay My vengeance upon you."

    (Jackson and Travolta then fire multiple rounds at the empty chair)

    (Travolta exits stage left)  Much Applause.

    Now that’s how you interrogate and kill a motherfucker.  Tonight, we give thanks to the countless intelligence and counterterrorism professionals who've worked tirelessly to achieve this outcome. The American people do not see their work, nor know their names. But tonight, they feel the satisfaction of their work and the result of their pursuit of justice.

    We give thanks for the men who carried out this operation, for they exemplify the professionalism, patriotism, and unparalleled courage of those who serve our country. And they are part of a generation that has borne the heaviest share of the burden since that September day.

    Finally, let me say to the families who lost loved ones on 9/11 that we have never forgotten your loss, nor wavered in our commitment to see that we do whatever it takes to prevent another attack on our shores.

    Let us remember that we can do these things not just because of wealth or power, but because we’re bad motherfuckers. 

    Thank you. May God bless you. And may God bless the United States of America.

    Uproarious Applause.

    (Jackson introduces President Obama)

    END TRANSCRIPT